There are many uncertainties surrounding Valentines day. The Vatican recognizes several saints similarly named to Valentine, almost no one knows/cares how these shitty traditions got started, and men can't figure out how they got stuck buying all these flowers jewelry and other garbage. But among the uncertainty I've compiled a list of cold hard facts that may better help us understand this bullshit hallmark holiday. Here are a set of facts that are based on the US population of February the 14th.

In the United States on Valentines day:

98% of all women are crazy some of the time. Just a regular wednesday.

FACT: 15% of Women send themselves flowers.
-20% of all Women are crazy all of the time.
-98% of all women are crazy some of the time.
-60% of all people's expectations are too high. 85% of those people will die alone.


FACT: 14,700,551 dollars will be spent on phone sex.
-18% of those dollars will come from student loans.
-40% will come from mortgages.
-21% of those that called should have dialed a suicide hotline.


FACT: 73% of the Flowers purchased are by men.
-80% of those flowers are being purchased because they forgot them last year.
-15% of those flowers were the "wrong" flowers, but the gesture was appreciated anyway.
-2% of those flowers are poisoned with Rohypnol.


FACT: 3% of the population give their pets gifts.
-3% of all Americans are fucking stupid.

Awww poor little Romo, cry your tears of failure.

-100% of dogs would just as easily eat a used tampon instead of a heart shaped doggie cupcake.
-2% of those gifts are poisoned with animal Rohypnol.


FACT: 3,577,252 Tears will be shed.
-9% Will be shed to make boyfriend feel even worse.
-16% Percent will be tears of joy.
-32% of those tears will be shed in vain.


FACT: 303,531 Breakups will occur.
-16% Will be initiated via text message.
-2% End in a hilarious accident.
-6% Will end in stabbings.

Broken Condom Syndrome

FACT: 39,661,090 Condoms will be used.
-6% Are flavored.
-15% Will break.
-10% Of men will only be pretending to wear condoms.


FACT: 19,707 Marriage proposals will occur.
-5% Accidentally yelled out in a moment of passion.
-77% Stem from a pregnancy scare.
-4% Stem from a pregnancy.


FACT: 35,006,833 Heart shaped boxes of chocolate will be exchanged.
-22% Will be thrown back at the giver.
-11% Are consumed in the car sitting outside your ex-girlfriends place as you watch her new guy go inside, and the light upstairs go out.
-72% Of those chocolates will be filled with that awful pink shit.


FACT: 88,541 Gallons of semen will be produced.
-38% of it will be produced alone.
-39% of it will miss.
-13% of it will be ingested.

Denial of sex because of bad poem is in progress.

FACT: 11,467 Shitty poems will be written.
-100% of them will rhyme.
-44% Will rhyme "Rain" with "Again"
-9% Will result in denial of sex.


FACT: 72% Of Valentines related sexual acts will take place in a bed.
-4% Of the participants will have an allergic reaction to the petals spread out on the bed.
-13% Of sex acts take place on a sofa.
-0% Will take place on Star Wars themed sheets.