I think we said all we needed to say with Total Recall and that's why... wait this is a picture of the 6th day.

A festival of tired action cliches, meet a weak moral message about cloning. Adding two Arnolds' to the film gave them an excuse to clone the one hour of hackneyed material they started with, into two, thereby keeping the effect of being twice as boring. The villains in this film behave so stupidly I feared that at any time one of them might jam a kitchen knife into a wall socket like a toddler, but each time they had an opportunity one of them would get distracted by regurgitating a line of bland listless dialog. Robert fucking Duvall made an appearance which came off stale and emotionless, and we don't need to look over his credentials and wonder if he's losing it, the signs point clearly to garbage writing. Someone lent me this dvd, and they never got it back as I had to burn it to recover some of my dignity; God damn you 6th day, you killed Robert Duvall.

Here is the gang in Natty Treasz finding a giant hollow catacomb beneath the streets of modern day Philadelphia.

A conspiracy theorists wet dream. Conspiracy theory is the amateur approach to understanding history, and this certainly qualifies as an amateur approach at story construction. There are so many "thinking out loud" moments in this film it views like a tutorial for wiping yourself. Wipe up while several thousand years of history are reduced to gross misstatement of fact, wipe down as the characters narrate things while they do them, wipe back up again as the plucky but naive side kick once again has to have the motives of the forefathers, and the logic in which puzzles are being solved explained to him, repeat wiping. The film asks a lot of you by watching it, the leaps in logic are so vast it can clear buildings in a single unnecessary monologue, where they show only a single guard patrolling near the declaration of independence, 200 year old gun powder, in an exposed arctic ice sheet gratuitously exploding, and whole branches of law enforcement appearing only when necessary to further the shallow lifeless plot. I've heard people try and compare this film to Indiana Jones, which is like trying to reason out that a shiatsu massage and an unwanted broken glass enema feel the same (very cleansing).

Creepiest poster I have ever seen.

Supposedly this is a children's movie. If I had kids, I hope I would be considered an unfit parent if I subjected my offspring to this. Anything that Tim Allen appears naked in isn't something that should be considered "family," convicted felons exposing themselves on camera isn't exactly a gray area. Even if I was trying to show this to children I'm not even sure what age its targeted at, most kids are smart enough to detect that Tim Allen is predictable and over the hill, even a six year old might stumble over the masterfully constructed, Dickensian plot point that "A 300 year old bhuddist dog, has magical venom prompts lycanthropy in a has-been comedian from detroit." Here we are shown that flat, unimaginative action movie writing can be applied to flat unimaginative children's movie writing.

Unoriginal screenplays are bad enough, but the Wibberleys have also pursued the most egregious dark holy grail of our time: "TV show adapted to Film." Say it out loud to yourself, take a moment to bask in how perverted and sickening this term is. Its one of the ultimate verbosity's in Hollywood telling us "We have no ideas, lets ruin a show that people may have liked by milking money out of them with loose name recognition, oh my god this glass enema is great." More ho-hum action scenes and quid pro quo story telling which gives as little credit to the audience as possible while they over explain their own motives on the fly, and sluggishly move from one plot point to another in the most obvious ways possible.

Smith and Lawrence made over eighty thousand dollars every day they were on set.

Our gruesome twosome was in charge of the screenplay for 2003's loudest most expensive abortion ever performed. Their luke warm approach to finding excuses for people to shoot at and chase each other translates brilliantly, into something that allowed Michael "I hate the world" Bay to give us piles of slow-mo head shots, corpses being run over on the highway, shanty town inhabitants being made even more homeless, and a good size serving of racism. There were enough excuses to stretch this disaster to two and a half hours, which would be better spent trying to inhale poisonous flies so they may lay eggs in your lungs. In the efforts to see all the movies I tear apart here, I pirated this film; After seeing it I believed in some way my hard drive was tainted and ended up tearing it from the innards of my computer and throwing it off the golden gate bridge.

Brainless pop-culture drivel that continues the ill conceived "TV to film" adaptation legacy. The ankle deep plot burden's itself with even fewer story relevant obstacles here than in any other of the Wibberely's attempts. From bad joke, to tits and ass sequence, back to bad joke, to poorly utilized celebrity cameo, to bad joke, to character loudly explaining next plot point, to bad joke, to tits and ass sequence, to character loudly re-iterating plot point, to bad joke, to tits and ass and so on until they run the credits and then you find a confessional to vomit into. Here's a quote from Walter Chaw's review "What the picture represents, in a very real way, is the death of cinema, swallowed whole by the same instinct that drives television: strobe cuts, shallow titillation, barely subsumed fetishism, gleeful stupidity..."

We can't blame the special-needs writing duo for all the ills in this film, I place a good portion of blame on its director "McG," who is one of the most smarmy and talentless smug jackasses of our time. He is sending us further spiraling into ADHD, buzz marketing, and ill founded beleif that Bernie Mac is talented. McG is to directing what a bear trap is to your testicles.

We all get the trend by now, these people can't write for shit, they have no concept of character motivation, development or tension, which they attempt to cover up with atrociously unimaginative action sequences. Sadly they have three more films in the oven, to me that's like Hollywood was raped and were now expecting triplets because of it.

If you like re-heated conspiracy theory as much as I do, you will gladly put your head under the tire of a moving 18 wheeler before seeing this.

What the fuck did we do to deserve this? Everyone everywhere is going to be assaulted with the media campaign for this massive turd. They just couldn't keep away from doing yet another TV adaptation that will make us question if we really loved the original TV shows, or Jesus at all. Jimmy Fallon is supposedly attached to this, and let me be the first to congratulate him on reaching obscurity and obsolescence so quickly after leaving SNL.

Wow.