I remember when I first heard about the concept of New Years resolutions and thought it was a neat idea towards self betterment. The path to realizing its true nature is like figuring out you should eat sand at a playground. We break more resolutions than deuces, its no wonder we pile on the guilt. This is the first time I've taken a look back at what I've accomplished in the year or rather not accomplished and I am not at all surprised.

1. Lose 20 pounds

Eat less, how about no?

I gained 5. That's like if you were a dentist and you were trying to fill three of someone's cavities and ended up giving them Cholera. The wheels came off the wagon the day after New Years when instead of getting up early to go jog, I decided to try and drown a hangover with pizza. This is an especially hard resolution to break because food tastes better than anything else I've ever eaten, if you want me to apologize for enjoying life, keep fucking waiting.


2. Save Money
I can't even begin to tell you what happened here, but even though I broke the resolution I didn't forget about it. Instead of actually saving money, I just felt bad whenever I spent it, even for stuff I could easily afford. Really a more fitting resolution would have been "Feel bad all the time about money." This has been in full effect my whole life as now I fret that I have somehow overdrawn my account when I am simply imaging myself purchasing a taco. However strange a phonecall it would be, it might help me save money and lose weight if when I started thinking about food, I got a call from a Bank of America rep telling me I wont be able to afford it, and that I'm a fat pig- Now THAT is service.


3. Read More

I keep a lot of books I intended to read near the toilet. Many of them sit there for years absorbing the odor. I call these "Poop-Turners"

While I didn't really carry this one out, I've made my peace with it. I read a good deal as it is, but I set this unrealistic goal to prove I can feel bad even about good things I already do for myself. Instead of setting out to read things I know I will enjoy, I embody my fear of lacking intelligence by making a resolution to read about Tax Law, benign bible study relative to real history, and I even went so far as to write myself a note saying "Read about entire rise and fall of the Roman empire," thanks that's super helpful.


4. Volunteer for charity
Not only did I resoundingly overlook this resolution, I think I've done things that will warrant the attention of other people's charity. I would simple donate money to make my guilt go away like a regular person, but if I can't save money ala resolution 2, this already is out of the picture. On a macro scale, I do find it frightening that charity has become a hobby that no one likes, and to that end I hope to add this resolution to 2007's list so I, like the rest of us can feel bad and move on.


5. Don't drink so much

Saying you'll cut back on booze is like promising yourself you'll go to church more after you commit some of the bigger sins. I say just say "no" to no booze.

This a tough road to start down, especially when the first steps are at a New Years party, drunker than Jack Daniel's butt plug. I think the most effective way to stop myself from drinking in 2007, requires that I drink so much, I'm placed in court ordered rehab, and have to do community service for the Toyota I "commandeered" and drove into a telephone pole. I'm not sure if this is really going to help me become a better person. So far in life I think alcohol helps us live life to its fullest at a young age. In life you are going to need the help of booze to turn important decisions and life choices, into mistakes and regret. Without struggle and strife life isn't worth living, andalch will make you learn the hard lessons and remember them.




2007 Resolutions I wont keep


1. Visit my Grandparents at least twice.
I swear that most retirement homes have the same names, you figure it would be easy to find two people who have the same last name as you. I lost my organizer with their address in it and I'm getting a little concerned, I haven't seen a check from them in a while. Maybe I should convert this resolution to "get organized or something.


2. Take up a hobby
Between crying, working, masturbating, crying at work, working while I masturbate, crying and masturbating, crying and masturbating at work, and finding a new job I don't have a whole lot of time. Though maybe I'll start collecting stamps. I hear that its relaxing.