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A husband comes home to find his wife at the hands of another.
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Movie Review posted Thu May 03, 2007: 11:28 AM by Kai 10 Subtle Movie Cliches General Update posted Fri April 27, 2007: 7:01 PM by Kai Betting on Relationship Longevity General Update posted Fri April 20, 2007: 11:28 PM by Kai What Would Your Penis Do?
Posted Tue December 19, 2006: 8:10 PMGeneral Update If left to its own devices, your wang can become a wiley survivor. Faced with difficult situations, the amount of sheer focus it brings to the table can put an assassin to shame. Many people underestimate the decisions men make based on suggestions from their field general. You should all remember, you can turn your back on a man, but never turn your back on a penis (unless you're ready to get a Charlie in your chocolate factory). Situation: Cute chick on line in front of you at the coffee shop.
 You: Think of something clever to say to her twenty minutes after you leave the coffee shop. Your Penis: Inform the young woman of the dangers of standing in lines, rescue her from the predicament by suggesting sex in a pay toilet.Situation: Your friend Chad died when he got drunk and fell down an elevator shaft while trying to prank the Omega Kappa Chi girls. At the funeral you notice his (ex)girlfriend is rather sad. How can you cheer her up?
You: Solemnly give your condolences and say that Chad always said you two would meet up in heaven. Batman: Avenge Chad's death by bringing those responsible to justice. The girls of Omega Kappa Chi will know fear, and the cold kiss of a batarang to the base of the skull.Your Penis:
Your wang urges you to remember the three "D's":
Situation: You are at a restaurant, The Milf at the next table begins choking on a piece of broccoli, her husband is in the bathroom currently, and she looks like she needs help.
You: Yell out, "Oh my god I think she's choking!" in hopes someone will notice, and then stand near by and ask loudly "Are you ok?" even though she can't speak. Toucan Sam: Having no arms he attempts to dislodge the piece of vegetable with his massive beak, only to accidentally rip her tongue out causing the woman to eventually bleed to death. Sam pleads no contest to charges of manslaughter, and refuses the help of the high powered Kellogg's attorneys. He is now spending 36 months in a federal penitentiary.Your Penis: Choking is a serious issue, and should be treated as such. First place yourself behind the hot middle aged woman, take hold of her breasts to pull her close enough to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Once in range, the wood you're sporting will help you keep centered by wedging itself between the collective junks in her trunk. Now reach both your hands around her and begin to thrust, slow at first.Situation: While asking a co-worker out on a date for that evening, she casually mentions that she has plans with another one of your colleagues.
You: Avoid humiliation at all costs, you must not lose face in front of your peers. Play it off and pretend you didn't even ask her out, trigger the ringer in your cell phone, excuse yourself and hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes, anything just GET OUT OF THERE. Tony the Tiger: "The stylish neckerchief might seem gay, but I'm all Tiger. I'm a little put off you're already planning to go out with Andy from accounting, he's going to so lord this over me, this is just Grrrrrreat." Walks back to desk, avoids her for the rest of the year until he quits and moves back home with his parents.Your Penis: After identifying which is Andy's Nissan Stanza in the parking lot, inform the police that you have planted a bomb in your stanza.Situation: Spooning with a woman after sex.
You: Wait till she falls asleep, and find a wider spot on the bed to lay out. ...cry a little. Burger King, King: Stroke her hair, wipe the tears from her cheek, make sure the nylon ropes haven't come undone and the gag is still in place. Nod quietly in the darkness, before dismembering her.Your Penis: Begin grinding, wonder if she is going to notice (again). Situation: Caught Masturbating
You: Try and run, trip over your own pants and knock yourself out on a door frame. Scruff Mcgruff: Stops as soon as he spots you. "Oh... hi, I didn't see you there.... I just want you to know that this isn't a crime." Pulls pants up slowly, while still looking at you. "This is not a crime."Your Penis: Be a man, fess up, you probably shouldn't be trying this on an elevator, but you can probably finish before this person can start screaming and runs for help, hold on a sec.Situation: You realize the condom broke.
You: Offer to drive down to planned parenthood, while acting scared and frustrated. Lando Calrissian: Says something suave about raising the child together as a family, and the love he feels for her. Smiles as he excuses himself to the bathroom, to climb out the window.Your Penis: If were going to planned parenthood, shouldn't we do it once more without the condom entirely, just to make the trip really worth it, you know? Like spraying your garage for pests when there may not be any.Situation: The chick you had your eye at the party is now chatting pretty close with another guy.
You: Go home early, alone. Get ready to go back to work the day after tomorrow. Smokey the Bear: Make sure no one is fucking smoking in the house, that shit could start a fucking fire. What the fuck, candles at a party? I don't care if they're scented, someone could knock that over. Dude you've got some busted bulbs on this string of Christmas lights ... yes it could start a god damned fire! I already told you to stop smoking in here, why? Cause I'm going to hit you in the god damned mouth.Your Penis: This cock wants to block. Time to trash talk this dude to his face, who cares if its his birthday, and he's a mixed martial arts practitioner.Situation: While out to dinner with a lady, she excitedly mentions that she met this great guy. You freeze up for a moment as your ego has just been violated like a dead stripper in a shallow grave, and realize you've entered "the friend zone" (Bermuda Zona del Amigo, en Espanol)
You: Smile as you feign interest and survive many years of hearing about the inadequate job this guy is doing, and the same of all the suitors who are stuffing her with genetic material like a rucksack. Sit through the rest of the dinner though you would have preferred having your finger nails snapped backward with a bottle opener. Nick Fury: Have her killed/Kill her.Your Penis: Use your intellect to prove that you are a superior man, seduce her with your commanding tone as you take her right there on the table. And then when you are- who the hell am I kidding, congratulate her on being a slut then leave.Situation: Your girlfriend is breaking up with you.
You: Realize it might be time to move on. Take 8 months to get over it. Tomorrow is another day. Cobra Commander: Accuses her of sleeping around, begins to yell and cry. Realizes she already left when he wants to try and guilt her out of it. Carves her name into his thigh with a pen knife, sits outside her house at night for a few weeks. Leaves creepy messages on her machine.Your Penis: Secretly record the breakup sex. A picture is worth a thousand downloads. |
