This young man thinks he saw a lady in there. It would turn out to be a hat rack, but he found out only after he dove through the glass.

I recently had a conversation with a female friend about the lengths people will go to get the attention of the opposite sex. She is a rather attractive young woman and I fear will never be able to understand where most men exist in this equation. After my ridicule and belittling of her tragic experience not being able to catch the eye of a gent at a party and having to do such dreadfully arduous things like smiling at him, or sending a friend to parlay with his friend to perhaps get his attention. I realized, by comparison, I've done such brash, and ludicrous deeds to garner the attention of a woman at this point in my life I'm praying my balls fall off so I don't have to deal with running across six lanes of traffic to get turned down for a phone number.

With such tremendous amounts of testosterone hitting your bloodstream, and a little twitch behind your eye telling you to just go for it, men are capable of nearly any convoluted plan or scheme you can imagine. This is a list of things I've done to either get attention or keep a conversation going. After all, sometimes it takes something beyond saying "hello". Many of these are my own, but they are bolstered by experiences of friends.

1. Injured myself severely. (Twisted ankle)
2. Driven more than 1200 miles to "happen" to run into someone.
3. Pretend I've had a friend that is in the employ of Ticket Master who owed me a favor and just gave me these tickets to "The Cure", so we should go ... together.
4. Evaded Campus Police.
5. Spoken in an accent that is not native to me or my heritage for three days.
6. Pretended I was related to Joe Pesci.
7. Worn a wet suit peeled halfway down and rubbed sand into my hair.
8. Pretended I've never heard of the Beatles so you could explain that to me.
9. Waited 3+ hours outside a bookstore for the right moment.
10. Drunken 9+ cups of Coffee working up the courage.
11. Ate lunch at the same Thai restaurant for two straight months in 2001. (Hot waitress)
12. Spent thousands of hours doing technical support.
13. Lied about my actual enjoyment level of "Sex and the City"
14. Lip synced to a song I've never heard before.
15. Smoked half a pack of cigarettes that one time. (I'm not a smoker)(I am however an asthmatic)
16. Elaborated on my fictional brother, who at this point has had a series of diseases, some terminal.
17. Pretended I've heard of/liked hundreds of bands / types of music / figures of feminism.
18. Attended 3+ services at a synagogue.
19. Have been traveling at 45+ miles over the speed limit to be somewhere.
20. Made up semi-believable facts about astronomy while looking at the night sky.
21. Invented piles of new rules about astrology. (You're a Virgo? Don't go near any microwaves at night, and watch out for otters.)
22. Given a fake palm reading.
23. Innumerable claims that I've been a roadie for __________ band.
24. Said I grew up in Spanish Harlem.
25. Borrowed people's pets. (A couple dogs, a rabbit, one time a ferret.)
26. Staged a photo of myself mountain climbing.
27. Proclaimed Jesus!
28. Rejected all organized religion.
29. Taken flowers for personal use from a non-public place.
30. Immersed self into Indie Rock.
31. Learned basic Korean in under 2 hours. (Manna boeeo ban gapseumnida. Mahna beh bahn gahp sum nee dah!)
32. Took several credits worth of classes that had nothing to do with my major.
33. Considered moving to the opposite coast.
34. Worn a Jean Jacket outdoors. (Recently)
35. Overtly used something from my cultural background as a conversational catch pole. (Tea ceremony anyone?)
36. Used what I theoretically learned at mime school in public.
37. Lip Gloss.
38. Spent 40 minutes criticizing wine with my long and prestigious fictional career as a wine taster.
39. Learned to play an instrument.
40. Begun to pretend Myspace isn't a total waste of time. ( http://www.myspace.com/ragingerection )
41. Tried to do a back flip. (Broken Shin)
42. Yodeled
43. Had conversations with people at strategic locations to be standing at the right spot.
44. Forced a conversation about the weather.
45. Distanced myself from close personal friends at the drop of a hat.
46. Befriended people to get closer to other people.
47. Tried to purchase a plane ticket with 7 minutes notice.
48. Taught myself to roller skate, while rollerskating.
49. Purchased a car. (Bought O.R. scrubs just to wear around for a while.)
50. Got a job at a coffee shop to get a phone number. (Worked 1 day)