Take a mouth full of Listerine, and start pumping. Granted you can get past the sting and focus enough to keep it together down there, there's the other challenge of not involuntarily swallowing the load of Listerine. Whatever happens, this will make a mess.

The dog didn't hear it coming, but that's because he's deaf and he's usually a beat off, and because he's masticating your foot- *The rest of this comment has been deleted. The author was sent back to a naval school to learn better puns. After re-education, he will be certified in K-9 as a Seaman.

Be it an over friendly cat or maybe a sleeping iguana most animals can sense perversion. This can be harder than you think, as many dogs will look you right in the eye which can make for some awkward moments (if it doesn't seek help). Generally birds are bad candidates as they can be skittish and you don't want anything happening as fight/flight reaction with your bits and pieces hanging out. Things like hamsters can be difficult as they have tediously short attention spans and will want to wander off, causing you to possibly press your foot down on it gently to keep it still, but at that point a random spasm could send the little guy into a shag carpet grave, and even though you told your roommate you accidentally stepped on it, you'll know what happened, and it will be waiting for you when you try and get into heaven, and "I crushed a hamster semi-accidentally while beating off" doesn't fly with Saint Peter anymore. So I'd suggest larger pets, maybe while riding some kind of burrow, or possibly a sloth.

Maybe you're on a road trip with some friends, or just babysitting, but trying to squeeze one out without the other person(s) knowing is quite the tricky task. You've got a number of harrowing variables: How springy is the mattress? Does it creek? How taught are the sheets on the bed? Is the person asleep? Are you related to them? The only advice I can give you is to levitate over the bed a few inches and return back only to hope the other party is unaware of your pumping and wheezing. If they do notice you have defiled the bed you're sharing or are currently defiling the bed, you've got two options. One: Deny it, but continue as not to seem like you've been caught. Two: Run, It may look strange but its worth a try.

You can see our subject failed to achieve orgasm, but he did manage to add "Assaulting an Officer with a flaccid weapon" to his rap sheet.

Not only is it difficult to maintain arousal while getting savagely assailed, its quite dangerous as you are less able to protect your head and neck area. You can provoke them any number of ways, but the goal is to start AFTER they begin their beat down. Getting beaten up because you were pleasuring yourself doesn't count. You can practice by having friends beat you up, they may even become uncomfortable and stop, which is literally my definition of a win-win.

Wearing your work clothes/uniform, cup of coffee in hand, can you beat the clock? The true difficulty is if you travel any winding roads, or if you're late and speeding, the cops may not find it as funny, and if you're stuck in rush hour traffic neither will the other motorists, or the folks you're carpooling with. If you ride public transit to work, you've got your work cut out for you, maybe bring a big coat that day, or just hope everyone is focused on their ipods.

The guy on the right hasn't noticed yet, but the guy on the left told me he wants to get caught.

The difficulty literally ramps up here as you not only have a limited amount of time, but the body is being subjected to immense g-forces. Your first obstacle is getting to your junk, and second is working with it around those harnesses and constraints. If you can get around those two things then you have a chance, but don't forget that there is most likely another passenger strapped in next to you and most likely they wont like the possibility of getting splashed with baby batter, or if they're not gay- seeing your junk, or if they're a woman- seeing your junk, or if they are gay -seeing your junk in this manner. Most likely this person will start screaming and flailing like a pre-disaster burn victim so it helps to imagine them as a cheerleader as you pull for the glory. Most likely that booth who sells the photo they take of you will not have a pic of the cart you were in. Of course maybe you're not ready to try and yank one doing loops and steep drops, I recommend practicing with a smaller coaster, or ride, try the tea cups, or anything sponsored by nickelodeon, failing that most supermarkets have one of those little truck or rocket rides out front near the shopping cart docks.

If the dentist is doing his job properly you may be able to sneak this one past their skilled and watchful eye. This probably has the most serious repercussions as the dentist will most likely have a sharp instrument in your mouth, and they are dentists after all, they will know how to cause a good deal of pain fairly quickly if they need to dissuade you from continuing the five knuckle shuffle.

Imagine trying to hit a groove with Henry here droning on about the aggregate prices of mid range textiles in the 17th Century Wales... well that is kind of a turn on.

Stuffy British guys, off putting music, piles of old people being surprised, this is a minefield of self pleasure. With so much coverage on each event it is impossible to have a solid stretch of time you aren't seeing reaction shots of the elderly or one of the ass ugly hosts drone on, the best you can hope for is a long shot of a chest of drawers while the expert fumbles to put a price on it, so buckle in and go for broke. But compare it to the rest of public television, Nova, Seasame Street, Cooking with Jacques Pepin, its all so rich in strokeable material.