Ben: Though it may seem fun and creative, arranging the hairs stuck to the shower wall to spell out words is just unnecessary and a little creepy. That's what post-it notes and dry-erase boards are for.

Kai: They make shower stationary now? Sanrio has come such a long way. The hair thing is kinda rude, even though you can make a startlingly accurate portrait of chewbacca.

Ben: Sure masturbating in the shower may seem efficient and practical. I mean, you've got water, soap and a drain- it's too perfect a setup to not take advantage of. However, in this situation, timing is everything, and the pressure to avoid a suspiciously long or suspiciously short shower can sometimes lead to...er, control problems. and on top of that, it's a massive waste of water, unless you're a shower-jerking pro who can simultaneously wash and beat off without difficulty.

Kai: First of all, I really want to mention you should try and avoid hitting shampoo bottles and bars of soap when stroking the man-ola, really bad form when you hit the nozzle of some one's face cream because you know you aren't going to rinse that off. Secondly, I'm not sure what kind of roomates you have Ben, but I don't subscribe to the shame and tackle method of the shower spank session. Ideally you don't have to talk about it and you and your roomies be blissfully unaware of its happenings (a beautiful two way street of five-knuckle shuffle ignorance), because what you do in there resides between the borders of Iran and "Mind your own fucking business-istan". If pressed I will not only judiciously announce that I have rubbed one out in the shower, I will write them out an affidavit in pubes on the shower wall of my triumphs and short comings, time of launch and estimated time of next delivery.

Kai: The dreaded hair clog, nothing like taking a morning shower and then looking down and realizing you are foot deep in a collection of filth and hair that even the drain rejected.

Kai: Most apartments do not have true showers, but a shower head above the bathtub. As a young renter you probably remember the days when you could take a bath once in a while at your parents place. You were able to bathe in comfort because the tub was clean. I'm warning you now, if you have any male roommates, for the love of god do not take a bath in there. The types of diseases left floating around in the communal cesspool will assail you. Your Genitals will gout flame (if not fall off), your toe nails will yellow and flake off, patches of red sores will break out on your legs, and your colon will generate gallons of puss.

Kai: Popular Media from the 80's and early 90's have taught us that a woman in the shower can only mean one thing. Time for mischief. Be it going through her unmentionables, sneaking a peek, or trying to slip in to generate a romantic shower related interlude women are sexy vulnerable in there.

Ben: Don't you mean "sexily" vulnerable? "Sexy vulnerable" makes you sound like stalker.

Kai: Actually I think the word "sexily" is a failure of an adverb. Onomatopoetically, "sexily" sounds and feels like a 4th grader is trying desperately to describe something about a boob, which not only fails the whole "sex" milieu by ignoring the details of what makes something sexy, but also by the fact that it links sex and fourth graders. Think about that, Sex, and fourth graders. Sex/Fourth Graders. Sex with Fourth graders. I want to sexily make love with a fourth grader. I think that sex wi-

Ben: I get it, I get it.

Ben: As far as bathroom borrowing is concerned, you really have to define your boundaries. These may vary from house to house, but the truth remains: there are certain things that were never meant to be shared. Razors, whether electric or, um acoustic(?) generally fall into this category, mainly because people's opinions of appropriate uses may differ, and if this occurs in a roommate situation, it can turn into a time bomb just ticking away. Toothbrushes are another borrowing no-no, its already a pressing matter of hygiene, health and sanity being affected by a toothbrush that has long worn out it's welcome, but completely another when its borrowed by someone else.

Kai: I automatically assume that everything of mine in the bathroom has been, or is being used by someone else. Everything except the toothbrush. Toothbrush usage is the great equalizer of shared space living. I don't know of any honor code (besides the obvious ones of morality, common sense, and instructions from Jesus) that expressly says "Thou shalt not use thine roommates toothbrush", mainly because its not something you need to say. It just isn't done, that rule cuts across every known barrier/taboo/ideal/negotiation that has ever existed. Don't believe me? Wait until one of your roommates gets drunk, and (if they have any hygienic sense) wait until just before they come home and distribute several similar looking toothbrushes where he/she usually stores theirs. Without fail they will detect their own and brush their teeth while blitzed out of their minds. This is the same person who drove home drunk, ran over a nativity scene, and tried to open the lock on the front door with his shoe. Women are even more adept at not only identifying their own toothbrush but also locating it if hidden. With this knowledge it becomes tougher for people to use the "I was so drunk I didn't know who I was fucking" excuse on significant others.

Kai: As most of your waste products have built in types of bacteria control, by nature the sink has greater and more tenacious array of bacteriums than the toilet. Urine being sterile in this fashion is an ideal way to break up lime deposits, and keep your sink clean and make sure those nasty bacteria are in check. Be careful as not to cough while applying urine to the sink, as you may send a volley into the mirror, towels or collection of tooth brushes.

Kai: I was over at a friends house before, and I walked by a sink that was full of water and had some panties soaking in it that had caught some of the crimson wave, when I stopped running I was 23. Irrespective of people's reactionary tactics the sink constitutes part of a work station for women aiding in make-up and evening appearance prep, being included in this routine it is cleaned religiously by women.

Kai: Personally I dislike the shaggy caress of carpeting on my ass; it feels like you're forcibly taking a dump on a Muppet. This is really more for women, or gay men, as they have time to clean and maintain such edifices to obsequious posterior comfort. Besides, for a man's drunk lifestyle on the go, do you really want to contend with poo being matted into that thing? I mean, imagine if you come home drunk, sloppily let one fly like willy wonka with a chocolate canon, then the next morning have no recollection of it, and find what looks like ingrown hairs on a brown rhino's mouth. Its not only going to take a lot of blaming to make it seem like you weren't the one who supplied it, its a pain to clean, and for as lazy as we men are its not worth the hassle.

Kai: Why is this an etiquette thing? Think of it this way, its not the act itself that is rude, its the indication of what you're about to do. Say you're at home alone on the can, and the phone rings. Even if its really really important I can't stress enough that you don't get it, Unless you want your ass to turn into a proctological Rorschach test. It some countries its considered rude (even if no one is home) to gingerly shuffle across the living room trying to keep your cheeks together to defend your under-garments, but not too together.

Ben: Be thrifty, but not too thrifty- we all know that scented toilet paper, although it does seem tempting, is completely unnecessary. what would a commercial for that be like: "notice any difference, sir?" "why, yes! in the split second before I crammed that wad of toilet paper into my asshole, I distinctly detected a trace of lilac."

Kai: Here's how that conversation would go in real life:

Ben: However, thriftiness (especially when tp-related) can often be taken too far. For example, my roommate argues that using the cardboard roll itself for wiping enables him to add at least two to four possible wipes to each roll. The problem with this, in addition to the relative discomfort, is that those cardboard rolls don't flush very easily. my roommate's solution for this is, in his opinion, quite simple. after the wiping is completed, he let's the shit-covered cardboard rolls soak in the sink for an hour, at which point he grinds them all into a soggy, shitty pulp, allowing for slightly less cumbersome flushing to take place. what exactly does he consider "simple" about this? I'm sorry, but I just can't bring myself to ask.

Kai: Dementia is a tricky thing. In a pinch I'd say the thriftiness scale goes down pretty low. Even as cheap as toilet paper in bulk is (usually meaning you can easily pick up enough for one year at costco for less than the price of a roll of smarties, and those things fucking suck), I think its still ok to go the news paper route if you're really hard up for cash.

Kai: Some people believe that a properly executed Courtesy flush can eliminate more than 80% of offending odors and prevent clogging/back ups. While clog preventing is imperative, the scent reduction differential is a greatly exaggerated average in most circles. Depending on what kind of load you're leaving the percentages can vary greatly. Personally I forget most of the time, and write it off to my roommates have done something to deserve.

Ben: Just a fancy name for waste of water. I wonder how courteous mother nature finds this bullshit. Look, if you go into a bathroom that someones just gone boom-boom in, it's gonna fucking stink. There's no getting around it, so why be a pussy and request courtesy flushes just so maybe it will be marginally less stinky. Just grin and bear it. Well, don't grin, I guess....I mean, why would you want to? Grimace and bear it. bitch.

Kai: There is not, in the history of air sanitizers and odor control sprays anything that can repair air damaged by a fecal festival. I think we've been around long enough to figure out that those sprays just make it worse. Instead of getting the direct smell, it becomes a riddle, a riddle where you know the answer but inevitably lose. And whatever the scent is, it automatically gets associated with that smell.

Kai: When I go over to my female friends homes' I enjoy obliterating their toilets. There is a wonderful and satisfying quality about destroying something beautiful. I have never ever been invited back to any of their houses, and a part of me is ok with that because I know that I left a golem of waste as a testament to my colon specific awesomeness, that stands above water level, his existence a challenge to all who attempt to flush him, a character of substance, and sometimes corn.