Gentrification couldn't exist without affluent white kids moving from the suburbs into the inner city. Don't be fooled: landlords see the trend of twenty something kids moving into the neo-ghetto, and will just as soon call la immigra to deport an entire family and raise the rent another $200/month than show solidarity with their ethnic communities.

Always remember: America is pro-business, which is a bummer for them, but a real WIN for you!

With every family of 20 that gets evicted [deported] comes more space for at least you and your roommate and, maybe, just maybe, your two fixed gear bikes. This is the basis of gentrification, and the first step towards kicking that poor Salvadorian family out of your soon-to-be cheap, tiny apartment.

It's important to remember that the basis of this movement is celebrating your financial superiority. That's why you need to localize yourself in one of the trashiest, downtrodden neighborhoods you can find. Think dives. Think warehouses. Think single residency hotels (but keep them a safe distance from your house; airborne syphilis kills). Now, you don't want to live in a spot that's necessarily dangerous; just one in which most people might feel inclined to play Dodge the Masturbating Tranny. Your neighborhood needs to be convincing. This neighborhood is you.

In general, it's best to stake out a neighborhood that not many [white] people have claimed yet, as you certainly don't want to be part of a "scene." If you go apartment hunting and hear a shitty experirock band practicing three floors above you, you're too late. Time to move on. What is imperative, though, is that you move yourself into the most uncomfortable living situation you can without having to actually become addicted to heroin. Find a basement to live in. Find an attic to share with an old man named Jens who won't stop explaining the Lufwaffe's role in WWII. Live in an open living-room with just a sleeping bag, an old black and white TV, and a retarded cat.

Once you do find a fairly neglected apartment, it's time to find roommates! Here are your selections: one chick who is a self subscribed "bitch," one drug addict who sort of plays the guitar but kinda' doesn't also, and one 40 year old person (man or woman, doesn't matter) who will smoke tons marijuana and act as scapegoat for the apartment's collective problems.

Once you move into your apartment, it's important that you befriend your neighbors -- at least the one's that look beneficial. For instance, if the doorway to your building is forever full of drunk Mexican or Puerto Rican men, introduce yourself right off the bat. Tell them your name, let them know that you live upstairs and have a cute girlfriend, someone who they'll soon undoubtedly endear and want to protect. Once you play a little sherades and show them your key and point upstairs, they're sure to nod and smile with an inebriated, poorly translated understanding. Congratulations. You're now part of their crew, and they will look after you until a) you move out, or B) they get deported so your friends Sarah and Jill can move in. You know, Sarah and Jill. The one's from Vassar? Come on, we hung out ALL THE TIME in Poughkeepsie.

One neat thing you'll find about immigrants and undocumented workers is that they have hearts the size of the San Fernando Valley, and will look out for your well-being during the most violent of turf wars. All it takes is a round of Miller High Life.

According to most sources, the popularization of inner-city squalor began with Lou Reed of the Velvet Underground, as he gleefully belted out "Oh! Sweet Nothin/ I Ain't got Nothin' at all." Many claim the reason these neighborhoods have become so overwhelmingly popular is because of Reed's induction of disheveled fashion into hipster life.

Before you make the move, you need to learn the basics.

If you're not rockin a fixie by now with torn jeans and a zapatista-esque hankie, you're pretty much the biggest homo ever.

So, there you have it. You have, at least partially, learned how to gentrify a neighborhood. May you go forth and multiply, young lads. Go forth and multiply.