Beware: Try and stick to websites that focus only on brides. Most likely if they are also selling second-hand bulk chum, or offering to refinance your moped, it may not be the best place to shop. Amazon.com may have some good deals, but they have a poor track record with third party wife transfers, and if you do they will hassle you about buying a wife every time you visit in the future.

What You Want: Ideally the website will be outside the US, otherwise you could go on adult friend finder and just kidnap someone. E-bay has a limited selection in this area, but mainly these are refurbished or used wives. Russian sites are good, many of them feature Romanian kidnapped women who make great contortionists/gymnasts, and their superior uteri can yield you enough sons to fill the roster of a soccer team willing or no. Beware of Ukrainian websites, as they kidnap women from Russia, and beware of Hungarian sites because they kidnap women from Ukraine, and beware of Romanian sites because they kidnap from Hungary; as you can see there are diminishing returns down the food chain.

Tips: Don't be afraid to spend a little time researching prices and different sites. This is important, picking your life partner may take a little time; so don't fear investing a couple afternoons browsing the net. If you have an existing wife and want to surprise her by moving her out, I would avoid putting the purchase on a joint credit card, also try and avoid purchasing while drunk; "Just because she looked liked Kimmy Gibbler" may be a funny reason on a fifth of rum, but may not work out in your favor.

Beware: A quality control thing that many places aren't too careful about is men posing as women. Some people are pretty lax about this issue, but this seems like one of those things you'd really want to watch out for. That's like paying for a candy bar at a corner store, waiting three weeks for delivery, opening it and biting it into creamy nougat, almonds, and penis. Personally I think it's worth taking the time to make sure you aren't purchasing a man, but that's my preference. Beware of 2 for 1 deals. It may seem good at the time, but there are drawbacks. Like, its tough to fit 3 people into a twin bed, it's a bother having to explain twice as many scars and bruises to the neighbors, and you would have twice as much crying to ignore while you're trying to fall asleep. In the end the price on volume isn't worth it.

What to Look For: Missing teeth may not be a bad thing, if she's missing teeth in her passport photo (once you get her nice and legal) then it's harder for the cops to tell when you've popped a few out "accidentally". Strong calves, are also a compliment to a cavalcade of professions you may hold down. Think of all the sacks of fertilizers she could haul, think of all the pianos she could move, think of all the pianos filled with fertilizer she could move (What the fuck kind of job is that?)

Tips: Some of the more luxurious sites have more than one picture of your bride to be. You should be aware that if it looks like these pictures were taken in a studio or a recognizable North American college or university then they might not be of someone for sale. In fact they may be used as a ploy to steal your money. This could possibly hinder your attempt at obtaining a new wife. And if it's a sting operation, hinder your attempts at not living in jail.

Beware: Some deals are too good to be true, while others are blind rip-offs. If you are in the market for an Asian bride be very skeptical of the conditions and qualifications of the website. Most likely you are purchasing Chinese whether you know it or not, and right now the orphanages/rivers are FULL with over-stock of women. I wouldn't pay more than three goats for a Chinese bride; they simply don't know how to handle surplus relating to supply and demand. Also beware of the more quality looking Russian brides going for less than, 3 palettes of toilet paper. You might be purchasing something that was raised at or near Chernobyl. You may not see it in the picture, but you might have to contend with too many legs, or even a penis that isn't yours, attached to your wife in a very real way. Possibly a pretty face, but ultimately these women are high maintenance. Radiation: the gift that keeps on giving.

What to Look For: Even though it may seem cumbersome or complicated to transact, don't immediately avoid places that accept alternative methods of payment. Sometimes you are short on cash and would prefer dealing in goats, frankincense, or bulk toilet paper. Be creative, many of these war torn countries willing to sell their (or their neighboring countries') women are in need of some pretty basic shit, shit you can find at any sporting good store. Sleeping bags, tents, cook stoves, hunting rifles, are all fair game. As I said before you should try and avoid getting more than the one wife for practicality concerns, although you may be vain and require a multitude of wives. In that case almost any country that has a beef with the United States will probably compensate you with a numeration of wives in the high nine hundreds, all for one nuclear weapon. Praise Allah that's quite a deal, if you had a warhead the ladies would Kim your Jong until its ill.

Tips: Make absolutely sure that the cost matches the product. For more quality brides that seemingly have low price tags, be absolutely sure you aren't paying for a time-share of a wife. This can be terribly tedious, and time-shares never feel right; besides, isn't that a horrible way to treat a woman? ... And yourself? Don't pass around something as personal a purchase as a wife; you wouldn't let someone else use your toothbrush. I wouldn't use check or money order to pay for your new wife. Sites that use paypal are semi-reputable, the Russian version: Borscht-Pal is fairly decent, but beware of the Republic of Georgia version: Ashvili-Pal, I have heard nothing but bad reviews.

Beware: Like many online stores, they will try and stick it to you with shipping and handling fees. Don't be suckered into those high unnecessary costs, most reputable places will have at least three shipping options, one of them being Class-G Freight. Just be sure that they poke holes in her container, and provide her with one of those bottles that hang upright in the cage. Make sure you are delivering to a place that can receive this package properly. I highly discourage P.O. Boxes as US Postal service employees are jackasses about holding a crate with your wife in it for a few days and may give you trouble about it. Alternatively, you may be excited about your new acquisition and want to put it on an airplane. If you do just make sure that Fed-Ex marks the package "Live".

What to Look For: You yourself should be ready to bring your other half into your life; be ready. You should welcome her into your new home, but be careful she is probably from a third world country, and has never seen most of the technology that adorns your abode. You can take this time, and the simple advent of things like lamps, a clapper, and a radio to convince her that you are a powerful wizard, whose command must be obeyed. When you are done frightening her with the lights and radio going on and off, highlight your point with a ferocious welcome home beating, then cap it off by introducing her to the first of many, fierce and mandatory "maritals".

Tips: A few of the better websites offer "America Crash Training" an upgrade that helps prepare your new bride for her life in the States. From what I can tell all they do is watch eleven hours of footage of mount Rushmore to Springsteen's "Born in the USA" while drunk off gasoline fumes. I'm not sure of the full effects, but I can tell you this, it does help with their behavior. Some wives may inquire about a honeymoon, simply explain to her that you are a man of science, and you wont tolerate her Podunk backwater voodoo beliefs like honeymoons, soap, or her talking after 6pm. I do recommend getting her a ring, it is a nice gesture of matrimony signifying your bond and commitment to each other, and you can get a simple inscription on it with a loving message from you, and your address if she gets lost and someone else finds her.

Beware: If your new blushing bride survived the trip, be on the look out for early problems that may cause you to want to return the goods. They may have arrived broken or damaged, they may become sick from foreign bacterium and molds, or they may have been stripped of several vital organs so the seller could capitalize on the trade of humans in more than one way; in any case I wouldn't name them until after the third week when you are entirely sure they aren't dead are satisfied with the purchase. After naming her, encourage the embrace of her new culture and lifestyle, if she mentions the old country or speaks in another language, sit her down, look into her eyes, and let your fists do the talking about letting go of her horrible past, and how you two will forge a new future together. If she cries during the night, the yard is a good place to absolve ungrateful of their tears. If she cries during your frequent and sudden "maritals" don't worry, that's all part of the process of acclimating.

What to look for: Be aware of how long you have to return a defective or an unsatisfactory wife, the warranty can spring up on you rather quick. Some of the underpowered models may not be able to efficiently complete all the cooking and landscaping work you set her to, so you may think about reducing the savagery of your "maritals", or you could add more iron, and anabolic steroids into her diet of Spouse-Chow(r) if its results you're after. When purchasing, make note if your wife outlet has a good return policy and if you have problems they may furnish return shipping and even replacement/restocking fees, some places don't even want the current one back they'll just send you out a brand new one. In this case if you have several options. You could try keeping one housewife and one yardwife, you could turn her feral,

Tips: So your wife is dead. Its nobody's fault really, you didn't know the dangers of holding someone's head in the toilet for punishment, or the hazards of having her clean the disposal with her hands while it was running. If the neighbors kids notice her missing you can tell them she was killed by a lion, or that's what happens when you play too close to your house so stay away from it. On the bright side, if you had forgotten to fill the naturalization papers all the less hassle. You can try contacting the wife vendor but usually this is a breach of warranty, so its time to think about cutting your losses. Barring all the other options you can always go the noble route and hold the honorable burial in the park, but to save on time you should also note all the swamps and dumpsters in the area.