Ok -- how do you become a fitness celebrity?

And who is this John Basedow guy, and where did he come from?

If you've ever been drunk at 4:30 a.m., you've undoubtedly come across a strange phenomenon: pretty much the only things on TV are fitness infomercials. And the people leading these infomercials are these self-proclaimed fitness celebrities. Celebs like John Basedow (who I'm convinced is made of plaster). First off, I remember seeing "Fitness Made Simple" ads a few years ago, but now he has an entire video, an infomercial, a THEME SONG. He has a crew of super-athletic, middle-aged women at his side ready to make cock liver oil out of my...penis. I don't understand a few things: sure, every sport has its celebrities, every activity, every art form, every pop culture scene has some sort of iconoclast. But personal fitness? How full of yourself do you have to be to proclaim yourself a fitness celebrity? Just where do you get off, John?

And for that matter, just WHO proclaims these people fitness celebrities? I could be a fitness celebrity if I wanted to. And I figure this: anyone could be a celebrity, you just need to encourage people during an infomercial and pretend you know what you're talking about. It's not about fitness, it's about knowing your product and running your yap while hot women sweat their boobs off in front of you. Maybe you've published a god-damn book about working out, but that doesn't mean we KNOW who you ARE. Who ARE YOU?

Fact is, most of these guys, these "fitness celeberities" are out of shape, and stand around encouraging their subjects to "go harder! run longer! eat smarter!" and spout off made up anatomy and physiology in order to sell their Tae Bo microwaved bullshit. I'll give it to Billy Blanks and Chuck Norris -- those dudes are ripped -- but others, the likes of Richard Simmons, and Troy Aikman (who's a damn fine quarterback but shouldn't be selling Nordic Tracks once TBS programming has ended for the night) ammount to little in "personal fitness celebredom." It's one thing if you had a name recognizable before your fitness stardom. It's another if you came out of nowhere.

Like John Basedow.

Thing is, I don't believe that he's a celebrity, because I've never heard of him before his little infomercial. He's ripped, he's tough, but how much can you really trust a man made out of plaster? A self proclaimed king? Get off your straddle-horse, John. The rides over.