Why doesn't my girlfriend like Hip-Hop? I've tried exposing her to all types of good shit, but she always ends up saying things like, "I don't understand what they're saying" or "it doesn't sound good to me." Music is very important to me and although I love my girlfriend, sometimes I feel contempt for her because she ain't down with Hip-Hop. What should I do.

Hip-Hoping in Houston

I hate to break it to you, but not only is your girlfriend a dork, she's also a racist. Your girlfriend saying, "I don't understand what they're saying" is code for "I hate the darkies" or "We should enslave all the darkies and live as slavemaster Kings and Queens again as in the days of yore." I suggest you not only report her to the police as a Deabolitionist, but also tie her tubes as she sleeps to prevent her discriminatory genes from spreading.

7HM

theres someonee outside and hes trying to get inhe cut my phone line i think i cant reach police all i haveis my cableinternet connection PLEASE I THINK HES COMING IN OOOOGODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe Murdered in Richmond

Listen: we're not some big corporate website. We don't have thousands of gigs for mail. Crap like this can really slow down out server. Nowhere on our site do we offer emergency assistance to Richmond or anywhere else. Besides, haven't you heard of the Second Amendment? Buy an AK! Our FOUNDING FATHERS fought a long hard war against...SOMEONE to ensure our right to shoot people who unknowingly wander onto our property. Hell, I myself have at least seven Hero Mailmen rotting under my floor boards...maybe more from the smell of it. Get it together Murdered or no one will ever respect you. And for future reference, next time you write 7Hill Media, please have the courtesy to spellcheck. It's hard enough to read all these stupid letters without having to decipher your panic speak.

7HM

I really dug the "Wald-Aid" episode, but I couldn't figure out who Zombor is. Was he the real Waldo? Or, like, a Nazi manifestation of the Indian dude? Or maybe it was like that game "Mortal Kombat" where you had to, like, do a bunch of crazy shit to see Reptile. I think you had to get a Perfect on the dungeon stage before time ran out. How do you get a Perfect on "Wald-Aid"? And I'm having trouble accessing the dungeon level from the DVD's main menu.

Curious in Columbus

Well, Curious, it is funny you should mention Monsieur Zombor as I bumped into him only yesterday. It is SO funny how these things workout. Let me regale you: I was on my way to see Elizabeth Cheswick, the Baroness of Loxbury, for afternoon tea when my carriage was unexpectedly and quite inconveniently halted by a broken shoe on one of the mares. Now, I'd specifically ordered my coachman to assure the ability of the horses to arrive at the Baroness' at the appointed time (for you KNOW how hard it has been to gain an audience in her parlor since the unfortunate harpsichord incident). But good help is SO hard to find these days an I hate to admit that as of late our man Smitty has spent more time cradling a bottle of that retched boot polish he calls liqueur than servicing my stable. I was so distressed by the disaster that I even ordered Smitty to remove his pants so I could give him the appropriate flogging in the middle of the Commons, as a lesson of sorts to his plebeian brethren who gawked on. As chance would have it, at the very moment Smitty began his pre-flog frothing, Monsieur Zombor chanced upon my disaster and rescued me. In an odd twist, he himself was traveling home after a morning's visit at the Cheswick estate. Upon hearing my sad tale, he demanded I take his carriage, not allowing me even a word of dissent before he hoisted me into his buggy and slapped the hind of his finest mare to send me on my way. Of course my arrival at the Baroness' was a little off time, but the telling of my story put her in a fine mood and our afternoon tea was fine. I wanted ever-so much to thank Mosiuer Zombor, but upon return to my villa, I was notified that he had left the county immediately after flogging Smitty half to death. O!! That Zombor...he is quite a man. If only I could know him better, and he me...

7HM

Ewwww...there's something sticky in there! I wouldn't go down there if I were you...It kind of smells like old tomatoes squished in dirty fart juice. Grandpa won't be happy we were in here...Ewww!!! I think some gooey stuff got stuck under my toenails!...can we PLEASE wait til morning to see what it is? What does Grandpa do in this place anyway? I want to leave right now! No...no...don't go down there...don't leave me alone. I'm gonna leave!

Sickened in San Diego

You idiot! You shouldn't have gone into Grandpa's shack without asking first. Now he'll never give you those noogies anymore, those noogies you told him you hated but secretly loved.

7HM