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 Giggler
A husband comes home to find his wife at the hands of another.
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Movie Review posted Thu May 03, 2007: 11:28 AM by Kai 10 Subtle Movie Cliches General Update posted Fri April 27, 2007: 7:01 PM by Kai Betting on Relationship Longevity General Update posted Fri April 20, 2007: 11:28 PM by Kai NES Games I Couldn't Beat
Posted Sat December 10, 2005: 1:44 AMGame Review
We all have skeletons of one kind or another in our past. Some are more horrific than others, some only surface with bouts of drinking or to hurt loved ones during arguments. Today I want to share with you a shame I have carried with me for more than a decade. This is a brief list of those games I couldn't quite finish for one reason or another, but games I played when I was 8-12, and for the life of me couldn't forget. Fester's Quest
Concept: Uncle Fester from the Adams family takes on a pack of Aliens after they abduct what looks like more than 98% of the population. That's right, Unlce Fester, a man who could most kindly be described at best as a functioning retard, is charged with the redemption of mankind. Needless to say if that did happen, I would welcome the Alien gang-probing and try to learn some of their customs, in hopes to move on, rather than keep hope alive for Fester.
Execution: You'll spend most of your time shooting bullets out of a trumpet, in a vain attempt to slow down enemies that the developers had no intent of you killing. You might as well go outside and throw some rocks at passing cars to try and get a feel for that. You will pretty much garner the same response from the aliens as the motorists; if you get their attention, you're fucked.
Bad: Probably around minute four of playing and receiving your twelfth useless hint from the generally worthless characters populating the game, you'll just want to jam a pen into your ear.
Fester: Hey guys, do you have some food or guns in there? These aliens are really a bitch.
People: Here, have the Vice Grips
Fester: Could I just come inside and sleep for a bit?
People: Here, have the Vice Grips
Fester: What the fuck would I do with those?
People: Here, have the Vice Grips
Fester: I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING VICE GRIPS! I HOPE THE ALIENS PROBE YOU WITH THE WRONG END OF A TRAFFIC CONE!
Good: The good news about this game is that you, right now, are more than well equipped to have more fun than this entire game is. All you have to do is remove one of your shoes and toss it to yourself (while running if you're feeling adventurous, in traffic if you're a man).
Rating:
This was the only game I didn't beat out of pure contempt. One hill is for being able to mute the music, and the other is for being able to turn the game off. Its tough for me to give low ratings, and this got two hills, its probably fair to note that if I had to rate a picture of hitler's penis on fire, I'd probably only give that a three. Wait... that sounds kinda cool, I'd probably give it a four. So in conclusion, Fuehrer Penis Flambe: 4, Fester's Quest: 2. Gauntlet
Concept: Some jackass named Morak (a wizard of course) steals a "sacred" orb from the land of Rendar, which protected the land from "opposing forces". There it is the whole sentence of plot that even president Bush could comprehend, and ply towards a future war. Now go fetch the orb you tool.
Execution: After choosing to burden yourself with elements of the story, you can select one of the four characters available. Don't worry, for those of you that don't like choices that much the characters are all (beneath the garish costume differences) the same. You will spend a total of 2.7 seconds learning the control scheme, which is to shoot. Congrats! I hope you like mild learning curves because you just mastered the controls that will guide you through more than 90 levels and hundreds of hours of dungeon.
Bad: You will fast learn that after the game starts, and until you turn it off in disgust, you will lose 1hp per second. I was struggling with this concept, what could this possibly represent other than Heat Death, and how our universe is doomed to a cold fate of maximum entropy? I think its something simpler, like bullshit. I'm convinced that this feature was implemented on a dare, and its just another hallmark of an era that had no Quality Assurance Testers to say: "Fuck you assholes and your bullshit life countdown."
Good: Co-op made a lasting impression upon me. If you remember a game as frustrating its one thing, but directly sharing such a disconsolate experience with another soul, brands you both with the knowledge that the game publisher Tengen has shamed you and your house. I consider this game fun by the most basic nuts and bolts definition of the word. Though the best I can describe it is if you were getting beaten with a clam rake and the person beating you stopped for a sec to choke up on the handle, that feeling you get when they stop is on par with the level of fun.
Rating:
While a small bucket of shits and giggles from the outset, this game uses that spark of entertainment to lure you into the petty desire for completion, something you cannot and will not have. Tormented by this I've traversed the levels into the high 80's but never more. I also refuse to pop a game genie code in there. There are a lot of folks who complain about the quantity v. quality aspects of video games, and I'm one of those people. Fuck you Tengen, more levels does not mean more fun. Faxanadu
Concept: In the opening sequence the main character returns to find things with his homeland amiss. Wait...Why was he gone? For adventure? Fame? We can only guess, and my leading theory is genocide. So after long years of battle(genocide) against whoever was exterminated, our hero is the only one to return; Thusly he has become the Lord of Genocide. But at home the hero finds the "Life Well" has been corrupted by the dwarves (apparently dwarves means dragon whelps in this game?) and the elves are fucked because the "world tree" has got a big gash in it. Meteorites had rained down causing all kinds of problems and monsters now inhabit the land who are albeit peaceful if left alone, but that's not up to you-you don't carry the title "Lord of Genocide" lightly; Its prejudice time.
Execution: This game game had some aspects that were ahead of its time. The control scheme was inventive for the rudimentary NES pad, the level design was pretty complicated for a 2d scroller, and your characters armor and weapons changed while you put them on. The only other innovation worth noting, is that all the npcs blink incessantly while they talk, creating the effect of a serious drug problem among the existing npc community populating what's left of the world tree.
Bad: At the top of my list is the thirty symbol, multiple language password system that guarantees you wouldn't be able to resume your progress later. Having to write down an assload of foreign characters at a moments notice qualifies as homework in my book. This was the first game in which I really got to explore my hatred for vague clues. For instance when searching for the Air shrine near the town of Forepaw, what do the townspeople say? Go look In the sky of course. Thanks.
Good: I never beat this game, but no one made fun of me for it because its an obscure game. Which for me is good if you're trying to hide shame, and I assure you I am.
Rating:
The sole reason this made the list was because every time I traded in games or sold them, this one managed to hide itself and avoid the cut, not unlike a draft dodger. Thusly it would be recycled through the play line-up and go undefeated beyond time and memory, mocking me at every attempt I made at redemption. Battle toads
Concept: An early game from Rare-Ware, they decided to go the safe route and combine two sure fire things: The excitement of generic sidescrolling, and the non-stop action of frogs. Together this union is about as satisfying as severing your nipple and gluing it to the roof of your mouth.
Execution: You do kick a lot of ass in this game, from beating the shit out of pigs with axes, to fighting rats, to beating the shit out of different looking pigs, then snowmen. They spared no expense in coming up with a whole cast of bullshit, not just the main characters who happened to be named Rash and Zitz. The play style is pretty varied, you go from meandering sideways to falling, to meandering again, not unlike being old, or having inner ear problems and trying to navigate stairs in the dark.
Bad: I've argued many a time that if one element is bad enough and broad enough in any given game, that it can ruin the entire experience. Many people call me juvenile or short-sighted for not being able to see past one problem to the greater good, but those people can choke on a condom filled with bees. I don't care how innovative your ice, and snake stages were, the third level in the game incorporates a bike jump stage that goes by faster than the human eye can percept, I eventually thought after dying there enough, that that was simply the end of the game. Some evil queen stole your best friend and his chick, so you go to her planet, battle your way down a well only to hop onto a motor bike that will inevitably crash. Quite a lesson for life, a powerful force will take something away from you, and all you can do in protest is get a running start at a wall and block the impact with your chin.
Good: The music that plays while the game is paused rocks harder than Jesus opening for Motley Crue.
Rating:
I got pretty far in the game one time, fighting large rat after large stupid looking large rat. I was so excited that I had gotten past the bike stage that having the game freeze took me completely by surprise. So I had to do the only thing my eight year old intellect could muster in that instant. I ripped the still warm game cartridge from its primitive nintendo moorings, ran as fast as i could up to an open window and flung it as hard as I could out into the warm summers night. |
