Thanksgiving is the quintessential American Holiday: Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, football, drunken fights, and oh! the cranberries! But did you know, around the world, billions of people won't be celebrating our beloved holiday, the celeberation of the American bounty, the, dare I say, American Dream?

Today, I sit upon my couch with a bowl of spinach and artichoke dip in my lap and a tall glass of egg nog, and watch a large black man cut down a scrawny quarterback to the astro-turf. But somewhere in my heart, somewhere in my soul, I know there is a village full of ethnic people who don't even know what astro-turf is, what Thanksgiving is. "What is Thanksgiving?" they ask. And as I speak, I cannot stop crying into my dip.

As we speak, I know they're out there; living their lives, dancing for rain; hunting lions, building huts out of mud and leaves, growing rice, getting malaria...

I mean, don't these people care?

This is thanksgiving! This is imporant shit! Yeah, I know, right? Don't they understand there's TURKEY to be eaten?! There's pumpkin pie slice after pumpkin pie slice; there's eating so much you have to run to the bathroom and yak it all up; there's awkward moments where you lock eyes with your hot cousin; there's loading your plate up a mile high with food, and realizing you won't be able to finish it. There's thanksgiving.

I mean, it's fun! And these people are disrespecting my country by not celebrating me having fun, my abundance of food. Look, a lot of people have told me, "Beef, these people don't have the food to celebrate! They're starving to death! Millions of people, starving!" But I then cleverly retor, "Nonsense. When the pilgrims landed in 17 whever it was on Plymouth Rock, you think they had food? No! They had to struggle! They had to plan! And they found some happy indians to help them grow corn, all so they could celebrate, keep up with, the long, European tradition of Thanksgiving. If the pilgrims who came with nothing but a boat and a musket could do it, well, so can you, Republic of Alibaijar. So can you.