Its come to my attention that San Francisco and its bay city affiliates are in dire danger of an earthquake. I've read numerous bullshit reports about fault lines, tectonic plates, and the impending doomsday known as the next big one... I am tottaly not convinced. Fundamentalism has taught me that people who disagree with me are either wrong or terrorists, or both. Beleiveing so blindly into a religion like I do affords me the pleasure of knowing I'll be fine in a disaster, but it seems everyone else is fucked; So here are some handy tips to stay alive if this democratic chupacabre known as an earthquake rears its mythical but supposedly destructive head.

1. Stay alive. If an earthquake happens the most important thing to remember is to stay alive. You are no good to yourself or others if you are dead. Dying will also reduce the likelihood of receiving aid when trying to rebuild. If you die the terrorists have won.

2. Bring a camera. This quake may strike at any time, much like a cougar, or sudden urge to masturbate violently-so be prepared. If the quake strikes at 2am and you have your camera you may record incriminating photos of your neighbors as they flee from their houses. What impromptu wardrobe decisions will be made when the ground starts a tumbling? Burlap sack and leg warmers? Chaps and a snorkel? Ball gag and a pickle in the ass? Who knows!

3. Have cash available. Even though there may not be a viable economy operating immediately after a disaster, people will still value our lord jesus dollar in the midst of the apocalypse. Having a large numeration of small bills on hand can really help you in bargaining when an armed looter is stealing your precious water and raping the beloved family dog. I recommend becoming a multi-millionaire incase of an emergency, thusly you will be well insulated from the proletariat as they tear each other apart over the last case of spam in the gorge beneath your fortress. Becoming famous, or having a harem women you can trade may also help.

4. Vote Republican A conservative leader would never let such a disaster into the country. Tighter border controls shouldn't be the dream of tomorrow.

5. Don't panic. Above all else you shouldn't freak out. Try and understand that the President and FEMA will respond and deal with your crisis in the corner of the country faster than you can become afflicted with tetanus. Because you live in the richest nation in the world feel secure in the bastion of equality and aid we know as the United States of America. ..... ...... ... no I'm just shitting you, you'll probably be on your own for a week or so, you should probably have a gun or something.

In the meantime, if its going to happen eventually either move out or shut the hell up about it so I can watch my niners lose.