This is a set of little discussed movie cliches not as readily visible to the common viewer as your "Hero never runs out of bullets" or your "Detective only solves crime after getting suspended from the force" or even your "Tom Cruise keeps portraying straight people in movies." We have been down this road, but like an inhalants addict, pop American films can't seem to shake some of its die hard habits.

Fig A is a column that has fallen. Fig B. is a plank from the nearest bulkhead and the cake represents the legs of the heroine which are trapped but not crushed.

10. Debris That Traps People Will Always Fall Very Specifically Over Someone's Legs
God forbid the leading lady die in a building collapse. The playbook on getting trapped is, explosion, lady falls, columns break loose from walls or ceiling (there are always columns around, or a nice I beam), then they form what I call the "Lean-To" pattern. There's a 50% chance the hero can lift it off, failing that he can usually get the help of the supporting actor that was looking to redeem himself before that guy get's 86'd by the plot. This was born in movies, but its really seen its heyday in bad action TV and video games. As much as I want to see this one go I honestly can't suggest a safer way to get hit by falling debris.



9. Pizza is still delivered in 30 minutes or less.
Nobody does this anymore, yet it shows up in at least a few movies every year and more than a handful of TV shows. If you want to be a dick to a pizza guy, then drop the pretense and dick that pizza guy up. We managed to outlive bidet, and souffle gags but this one is special.

Even though my child is going to die without medication, I ABSOLUTELY will not use money you stole from a skee-ball machine.

8. Money dropped to the ground while the phrase "I don't need your money" is spoken will not be picked up.
Insert, I don't need your dirty money, blood money, pity money, drug money. It makes no difference. No matter how impoverished the hero is, moral high ground will prevent him from picking up the money. He could be dying of starvation, and those bills will compost into dirt right there outside his door. He can't even to hand if off to a charity, or purchase vital clap penicillin. It gets me that the mobster/drug dealer/abusive step father will usually leave it right there on the ground as well. All of a sudden no one cares about money, is that any kind of message to send to children? Kids have trouble picking up their rooms, do we need them disregarding money?



7. No matter what happens during your movie you can sell a book about it afterward.
There's an alarming number of films that use the "good thing I was able to sell the book about our zany adventures to a publisher, even though I'm not a writer, and our experience as people is trite and unworthy of retelling because the director is a handle short of a butt plug." It's a lame plot hole in a romantic comedy, so why would I want to read about the same romantic comedy.



6. All parrots know how to talk.
If it shows up on screen, a parrot will at minimum say "hello." Peter Sellers didn't start this trend but he made it hugely popular, and we can thank him for a bit that just keeps on giving, like molestation. Most likely it will say something it wasn't supposed to causing a hilarious pratfall. In fact "Hilarious Parrot Based Pratfall" is the name of the next Rob Schneider movie coming out. Disney really outdid themselves this time, they just signed the rights to the T.V. show, look it just went into syndication, now your kids are parroting a parrot.

Altitude ain't nothin but a number.

5. Asians are expendable, and at the very least not worth paying attention to.
There's a lot of them out there, so why bother with them in the first place? What do they contribute? You can't even name 3. Thanks Hollywood, you're so supportive. Ignoring the generality that Asian stars only do Kung-Fu (because that's almost all we have) even one of our best, Jet Li, was-as the hero at the end of "Romeo Must Die" (a movie as exciting as phlegm on toast) denied a kiss from Aaliyah in the final minutes of the movie. I'm glad the League of Asian Retribution sabotaged her plane for protesting to kiss Li in the film. The L.A.R. has no problem smiting you if you try and stymie Asian advancement in media. Try us.



4. If 2 people are asleep in the desert they will never wake up at the same time.
When our hero awakens we see his traveling companion is hunting for food or has been watching the enemy for some time now. Come to think of it, almost nobody in a movie will wake up at the same time, its just too easy to advance the plot by saying "oh she must have slipped out in the night" or "that bitch took my wallet."

I know showing sex on screen will cost you the PG-13 rating but come on. This isn't a replaccement.

3. Granted it isn't a horror film, most characters enjoy showering way to much.
There's a certain liberty directors will take with showers. If our hero is being the slightest bit introspective, or there's a swell of music, the hero will treat showering like a baptismal. Enjoying the gentle spray over their face, leaning their head way back and moaning, placing both hands on the wall and pressing forward showing us how much their struggling against the boundaries of their own little world. Cause we all have time for that. We get it, they're conflicted, move on.



2. A determined heart of gold > Professional basketball player
No matter what, if you've got a righteous mission to complete, mother is in the hospital, prove love to suspicious girlfriend, inhabited by angels, you, someone who has never picked up a basketball in his life, can dunk over Shaq. This isn't just basketball either, many AAA collegiate teams have been brought low by nerds trying to prove a point.

She is NOT.

1. There has never been a fat white female heroine.
Monique and Queen Latifa are pioneers in their time, but they were guided by such fat black female innovators like Eddie Murphy, and Martin Lawrence, even on the independent scale Tyler Perry has been empowered to become a fat leading lady. The whites are horribly behind in this race. Is the standard just too high for skinny white bitches? There is no range of heights and weights for women to aspire to, guys are all over the place with their John Goodman's and Drew Carey's and Dom Deluises, and James Gandolfinis.