We hear our parents speak of trends, and fads, and technology long dead, and wonder how they became so helplessly out of date. In conversation its so easy to jokingly ridicule and scorn their forgotten but anciently endeared customs such as the sock hop and 8-tracks, but I turn round and gaze backward at my own past and behold that I too will one day regale people with tales about the land of the lost and how legends of the hidden temple couldn't have been "that" hard. As time marches forward and more of my treasured memories become forgotten in the public eye, perhaps I'll take it easier on my parents for once and still loving Bobby Sherman, Gilligan's island and bell bottoms.

Wasting money, has been, is now, and always will be the fashion in shoes. Did you know that Michael Jordon has made more money from Nike than every Nike sweatshop worker ever?

1. Pump shoes
Released in 1989 costing a devastating $180, which on the school yard trade market was at least 417 packs of shark bites. The user experience is negligible, but what was stronger than clinical results in the late 80's (as always) was the overwhelming popular opinion of children and idiots. These shoes hit the market harder than a backhand to a deaf step child. Though they still exist today, the height of their popularity was like the fame of Ben Affleck, but now they've faded into fad memory, gladly forgotten, like Ben Affleck . This forces me to wonder what other horrible waste of money that my children will one day badger me to waste money on, that I will inexorably purchase but only because I felt bad for forgetting them at soccer practice a handful of times.



2. Pager Code
I was in middle school when I realized that people were absolutely obsessed with pagers, a technology fad that lasted 15 minutes with teenagers then was discarded like a semen-coated gym sock. Pager's enabled the youth of the early 90's to send each other cryptic billet-doux and gossip, or as it now is properly recognized: worthless application of paging technology that became "popular." America has a unique way of destroying anything that makes the mistake of becoming remotely popular, we turned burgers into big macs, morphed jazz into easy listening and turned old TV sitcoms into horrible movies. We gave up pagers for cellphones, but just as hobos have their rail language that stays alive in their whiskey and urine addled brains, there are plenty out there who still have pager code lurking in their urine and whiskey addled brains. While I, like someone who broke the mummy's curse, take solace in the fact no one else will have to use this updated version of morse code, there's a part of me that knows I will castigate future generations for not respecting that the mummy had a curse at all. Almost no one born after 1989 will know what this was all about.

Russians were so easy to hate.

3. Russian Communists As Bad Guys
The evil ruskie was the archetype worked around for years, it was an obvious (and sometimes expected) plot device for action films. It was a simpler time when script writers could always fall back to hating Russians if all else failed. You'll get an occasional throwback film, but cinema today lacks the persistent blame passed to the evil commies. As a kid I liked knowing who to hate, and to great extent today I think we should be aware of those who wish to do us harm, or at least know who gave you that vicious std. I fear our current "Yu-Gi-Oh" generation is being confused by, the blogosphere, metrosexuality, and the lack of evil Russians. I lay blame squarely on these three culprits for turning our youth into lazy bisexuals.



4. VHS Recording Tab
Once upon a time VHS machines roamed the land and dirtied their heads in order for you to record heavily edited movies off television, or obsessively document anything related to the x-files. Its sad to think no one will ever again argue about pulling the tab out of a tape so you couldn't record over it. I mean you could put a piece of tape on it, but the tab was out, it was practically set in stone you weren't supposed to tape over your sister's recital with golf, or half an episode of the transformers. Among all of the technological tid-bits that have been outdated this is the most quaint.

This is depressing, who is going to help me check out Clifford and the big red dog head?

5. The Library
The internet has destroyed some things in its day, but its doing what years of poor funding and low attendance couldn't, in much less time. I predict that within my lifetime the traditional library will cease to exist, or at the very least no longer carry books. is available at most locations now too, and cafes are installed in many public branches. They can in two directions, three if you count ceasing to exist. One would be to digitize and have their on hand stock available on computer screens or in download format. The second would be to offer more attractive services alongside books such as a Scrambling to meet the demand of the needs of its populace, many libraries have carried videos, and now dvds. The internet ferris wheel, betting on cock fights, and commemorative plate auctions. Traditional methods of research and card catalouge searching will be lost on the majority of future generations.



6. WCW
Wrestling fans will be hard pressed to forget that the WCW existed, but the average teenager in the early 90's was only vaguely aware that the WCW once held dominion over the previously named WWF in the ethereal realm of television ratings. Like a sprinter who spent all his energy early in a marathon, the WCW was the center of the universe in wrestling entertainment, but after their shining moment got that runner's pain in its side, then sprained an ankle leading to their eventual demise and cannibalization by its main rival. No more will you be able to see a franchise built around recycling stars from its main competitor, I'm indifferent to its memory and will miss it as much as I miss an ice cube, or my favorite brand ofkleenex, though there are some out there who do NOT regret tattooing nWo on their toddler's forehead in 1996.

We'll never again be enthralled by chicks with floppy tits covered with hair in this way ever again, and neither will our children.

7. Porn not readily available
manuscript that was memorized word for word, pixel by glossy pixel. If today Back in the day porn used to be a hot commodity. Future adolescents will never know the experience of finding a porno mag, an experience that in todays standards (inflation calculated) would be like winning the super model blowjob lottery because you won a pie eating competition. There was nothing like hunting for spankular treasure in the house of a neighbor or while you were supposed to be babysitting. It was a time honored practice that your first glimpses of sexual stimuli were from a battleworn manuscript that you memorized word for word, glossy pixel for semen encrusted glossy pixel.