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The Simpsons Enter New Territory
Movie Review posted Thu May 03, 2007: 11:28 AM by Kai 6 Best Villain Actors Movie Review posted Fri January 19, 2007: 10:43 PM by Kai Worst Writers in Hollywood: Marianne & Cormac Wibberley Movie Review posted Thu December 28, 2006: 12:57 AM by Kai Movie Bad Guys You Could Probably Take
Posted Fri August 25, 2006: 7:59 PMMovie Review Bad Guys and Villains across the film world portray all manner of darksides, bringing up issues of anger, uncertainty and fear. Though I feel that many of them are pretty far off the mark. When I'm watching a movie and see a bad guy that would do better as a mailman than a hitman, it loses something for me. The types of bad guy I like to see conquered on screen are ones you can't beat yourself. Otherwise why watch a film about a topic I know I'd be able to defeat? I could be battling alcoholism or illetracy right now, but I chose to invest in watching a movie. So presented to you are a short list of baddies that didn't evoke a threat response, and how to deal with them in a day to day context.
The Riddler
Film: Batman Forever
Bio: First appearing in Detective Comics #140 (1948) the Riddler's origin has been re-invented several times, but in the Joel Schumaker miscarriage "Batman Forever" the role is reprised by Jim Carey. Who, in the film plays a Wayne Enterprises employee who can best be described as having a tedious personality. He manages to get fired and through an emotional sequence of transition goes from irritating to annoying, when he is reborn as the disgruntled ex-wayne employee "Riddler".
Lame-ometer: Your first sign of harmlessness is the lack of killing. I'm not saying that being a good villain means you have to take lives, but rather the quality ones do far less prancing, riddling, and being a general failure.
Easiest way to dispatch: I'm not sure how you yourself would get into a confrontation with this man, unless you're some kind of groundskeeper at a hedge-maze, or you work at a hobby shop and you just informed Mr. Nigma his credit card was declined. Though I'd recommend having a rubik's cube or crossword puzzle handy to toss on the floor to distract the the riddler, allowing you to kick him in the head or throat. This may seem mean, but you're the best god damned groundskeeper around, and no one, especially not a jackass clad in question marks is going to stop you from drinking and the job and telling people the attraction is closed for the evening.
Elijah Price AKA Mr. glass
Film: Unbreakable
Bio: It would be impossible to independently deduce how this character was developed, as it was created by the master of "out-of-my-ass" story development M. Night Shyamalan. In what was thought to be a movie, "Unbreakable" features Samuel L. Jackson playing Elijah Price, a man who's bones break easily and runs a comic store. Frankly I can't think of anything less threatening, except a bunny with a lethal dose of tranq in it, or maybe a severe burn victim. His one and only power he demonstrates in the film is his soporific powers of aimless monologue.
Lame-ometer: On top of his already weak presentation, by the end of the film Elijah, or "Mr. Glass" (as Rear Admiral Shyamalan coined) is bound to a wheelchair. There's something sympathy inducing about a villain who can be defeated by stairs. To his credit, we do discover that in the film he has caused a number accidents involving Airplanes, and Trains. Frankly with his condition, being able to engineer a train derailment let alone brush his own teeth is a testament to how the little guy refuses to give up, bless his brave heart.
Easiest way to dispatch: Uneven ground.
Master of Master-Blaster
Film: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
Bio: Post-apocalypse Australia can make for some strange bed fellows, this is no exception for Master, of Master-Blaster, A two part team comprised of one of nature's oldest formula's: Midget riding on a mongoloid goliath. Master is of course the midget and they are near the top of the food chain in Bartertown because Master is the only one who knows how to run the last power generator ever.
Lame-ometer: Personally I think Master-Blaster is misunderstood, and lame in his own unconventional way. He seems like a businessman just trying to get ahead. The only way I think you'd be a threat to him is if you were in some direct competition with him in Bartertown and he wheels up to you on his adorable little midget legs.
Easiest way to dispatch: Mad Max showed us the traditional way to deal with a stubborn midget is to dip him in pig feces, but you can't be too careful when you're dealing with an Australian Apocalypse midget. You might try jabbing him with a broken broom handle, or hammer.
Cruella de Vil
Film: 101 Dalmations
Bio: Rich and White is classic for a bad guy, I think she was actually the first to make killing puppies un-cool. Something tells me that she, as a member of the dog killing bourgeoisie, enjoys her aristocracy and fine fur coats with healthy doses of Vitamin Gin. In the film she wasn't a very good driver, and I'd like to blame it on her alch intake, but an official Disney website makes no mention of that and still lists one of her hobbies as driving badly. Disney paints a nice picture for us about women not being able to drive, and in kind we see how helpless this villain is.
Lame-ometer: Her only goal in 101 dalmations was to kill the puppies and turn them into a coat, that was it, and she fails miserably at killing nature's most killable animal, even when they were within grasp. Disney reminds us that their films truly are pure fantasy, because someone estimated (by Forbes in 2002 to be the 13th wealthiest fictional character) at $875 Million, wouldn't have this much trouble having a few dogs offed. For that kind of money it would be rare to see her not be able to get anything smaller than a gross of dalmations pre-skinned.
Easiest way to dispatch: The only situation in which she would come after you is probably if you had a few of those puppies. Most likely I'd proably let her buy me out of the dog, but rich white people are pretty scary. So if you really are in a bad situation, offer her some Xanax and a Vodka Stinger she'll probably go right to sleep. Short of that I'd say a forearm shiver would put this old bag right on her ass.
Chucky
Film: Chucky
Bio: Nothing gets a movie plot from the 80's going like Voodoo, especially Voodoo cast by a dying criminal to transfer his spirit into a doll. Chucky has been through several forgettable iterations, which have hopefully run their course.
Lame-ometer: Its a doll for fucks sake. I've only seen him kill by getting the drop on dim witted d-list no names. Even then he only has the relative strength of a doll, and oft ends up getting thrown about the room or into shredding machines. The same reason I'm not scared of him is the same reason I'm not scared of racoons killing me, if you lock your doors at night, or have a fence around your property he has relatively little recourse.
Easiest way to dispatch: Golf Club. Lord knows why he is after you... or anyone for that matter, but if you draw his ire, reach for your friend the 5 Iron. He'll go down faster than Andy Dick.
Box
Film: Logans Run
Bio: Many of you may be unfamilliar with the movie Logan's run, but I do want to inform you that Box had a relatively small part in the feature, but did play a rather ominous catch-all role. He came into play when the characters escape their known world inside the dome city and expect to find the other people who have escaped over the years. Instead they find a robot named box, that has frozen all the escapees into blocks of ice.
Lame-ometer: Logan manages to knock it over effectively ending his reign of efficient robot terror. In the scene there are what looks like hundreds of frozen people, so my first holdup how no one else managed to simply knock this shaky robot over.
Easiest way to dispatch: Assuming you escaped from the dome city you then get to face box, to do this your resolve must be strong to wrestling flailing armed flimsy robots. Hopefully you will knock it down, after that run like hell. He seems like he'd be a failure almost everywhere.
Gollum
Film: Lord of the Rings
Bio: I went to see the Lord of the Rings with my girlfriend and at some point during the two towers she decided that Gollum was really scary. I'll spare you the detailed account of my ridicule of her, but really, Gollum is as dangerous as a used hat. I thought he was just supposed to be pathetic, which was exceedingly clear in the film, but I've heard and seen him reffered to as a villain numerous times.
Lame-ometer: Two sub-midgets managed to capture him with their hands. This is a character who specializes in hiding and cowardice. He couldn't even stand having a rope around his neck, how is he going to stand a stiff helping of pepper-spray and a swift kick to the eye.
Easiest way to dispatch: My father used to set rat traps out in the yard near the garden. At night if you left your window open and listened closely you could hear a few of them go off. These were live traps, cages, he had no intention of letting them go, so once the traps were full he would fill a barrel out in the yard with water and drop the cages in for fifteen minutes or so. I vote he meets the same end as Deagol.
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