25 Valentines Suicide Suggestions for Singles

Valentines Day is great and all, but for those of us social failures that didn't manage to get it together by the 14th are wishing DeBeers, Hallmark and the rest of you chatty fuck-faces would shut the hell up about your dinner plans with someone that mildly appreciates your stale company and asinine conversations. In-lieu of dying alone this is my handy list of being romantic for yourself on this nonsense bull shit garbage smut holiday.

1.

...I think the chocolate bent the barrel.

Chocolate dipped revolver.


2. Immolate self in heart shaped pool of gasoline on ex-girlfriends lawn.


3. Hang self from Vermont teddy bears billboard.


4. Lodge unused condom in throat.


5. Try to open an artery with hallmark card.


6.

Manny pulll around, I'm going to try and land on the Jewlery store.

Jump from the cockpit of a skywriting plane.


7. Dive beneath the wheels of a rose truck.


8. Jump from the most romantic building in your city ... the tallest one.


9. Light scented dynamite.


10. Take a sensual candle lit bubble bath with a toaster.


11.

Oh baby baby, lean into the swift embrace of the oncoming mid size sedan.

Play Barry White on iPod all the way down the open elevator shaft.


12. Pour lube on self, squeeze into trash compactor.


13. Romantically swerve into oncoming traffic.


14. Fill pockets with jewelry to weight body to bottom of river.


15. Get down on one knee and propose marriage to the third rail.


16.

You've been single for a long ass time.

Head towards Hawaii in a hot air balloon.


17. Make out with the hose filling your car with sweet sweet carbon monoxide.


18. Prepare a special dinner, after setting the table and the pasta starts at the right time, keep head in oven to make sure Cornish game hens cook properly.


19. Drink a bottle of wine for every week you've been single.


20. Attempt to make sweet loving to one of the loneliest animals in the zoo, the majestic Kodiak bear.


21.

You don't need her to clean your pipes. Drink IT UP YOU LONELY TROLL, DRINK AWAY YOUR SADNESS.

Cover bed with rose petals, ensure enjoyment by ingesting several bottles of sleeping pills with equal amounts bourbon.


22. Eat pieces of broken glass that each have single letters of your ex-girlfriends name.


23. Who needs a significant other? Clean your own pipes six ways till Sunday by chugging Drano


24. Take a moonlit midnight speedboat tour into the side of the pier.


25. Go bungee jumping in the same way you alienate women by telling them you don't want: strings attached.