As America slides further into fiscal insolvency like a pig hungrily eating its way to the center of a landfill, we as individuals do our part consuming and distributing trash by converting gift giving from a heartfelt personal experience, to an expected and tired gesture. In this way we are more and more required to purchase gifts for people we don't even like, via secret Santa rituals performed at gun point inside your place of employment, to family gatherings which feature relatives whom themselves prefer not to be attending, show up out of malice, spite, and habit; expecting a gift. But fear not, spite is a dish best wrapped with decorative paper and guised with a holiday bow, as your little Trojan present of discontent will hopefully ruin the day of a person you have visualized being hit by a car, and or cars.

Co-Workers

Gift: Shitty Music

Ethel from accounting probably loves Ja Rule.

One of the easiest and most versatile gift selections if you're a part of a mandatory gift exchange at work. Even if there are rules or guidelines, you usually have a whole mini-rack at the gas station to choose from, be it christina aguilera's latest dirge hits to Rod Stewart re-mumbling his songs, you can't go wrong with a CD that will go from wrapping paper to trash can. There is so much bad music to choose from, I mean the easy listening section is right there, how can you miss it? There is more shitty music than good music out there so go crazy.

Gift: Deodorant
Simple and to the point. "You smell. I bought you three bucks worth of not smelling as bad. Maybe you can start a trend."

Gift: An animal with a medical condition.
Your local SPCA has piles of used animals waiting to be picked up, but that can be expensive. Craigslist is a blessing in terms of free gift ideas, but every day people are giving away perfectly good animals online. Most are puppies or kittens who need homes, but you can usually find someone moving who needs to get rid of their 400 pound pot bellied pig, or someone else is having a problem with their overly aggressive pit-bull, you can usually find something good. The ideal is an animal with a large tumor, or skin disease, the more complicated the better. Put that iguana that's vomiting itself inside out in a box, or if its too big, put a bow on that abandoned albatross that was hit by a fruit truck and haul her into work.

Gift: Anything that showed up in the mail.

If you can gift a packet of shampoo, or toothpaste you're in good shape, but even better are re-gifting sample tampons.

If its obvious that someone or some company blindly sent you the item in the mail, then its worthy to be re-packaged with a card. Carpet samples, book of coupons, free calendar, the free gift "cut me out bookmark", a subscription to Via magazine, or my favorite: A free 800 hours of AOL. Just a little something to let them know that you put absolutely no effort into it. I would suggest wrapping it with other pieces of junk mail.

Gift: Preparation H
This sends the right message, your ass must hurt from being pounded all the time from being a whore/man-whore. In a pinch Vagisil will work, but both send the right message.





For Roommates

Gift: A framed picture of you.

Hi, I'm dreamy. We share a bathroom.

Some people get caught in a vicious cycle of reflexive roommate gift giving. This can become a tired gesture. What better way to try and send the message that this is a bad habit, than a portrait of yourself. The larger the better, extra points if you sign it, even more if its a glamor shot, and double if you're giving the thumbs up or winking.

Gift: Penis Enlargement Gear.
Be it a Penis pump, or Cream you purchased from any spam email ever. This really sends the right message: "I hate you, you small dicked bastard." Doesn't even matter what size their business is, it lets them know you have personally taken action because you believe they are dangerously undersized.

Gift: $5 Gift Certificate to Arby's.
Arby's is a horrible chain of restaurants, and more easily fits into a competitive ranking system for condemned hot dog carts, where it still performs poorly. Hopefully you don't even live near one, but if you're that unlucky you can adjust the dollar amount to force the recipients hand into subjecting themselves to its "food".

Gift: Over-sized lingerie.

This is what I think of you.

If you live with a shrill harpy or dreadful shrew, then step up to the plate and enforce those negative control methods Madison avenue built into most women and purchase some plus large lingerie. Rather, over sized panties, under sized bra. Not like gag gigantic granny underpants, something tasteful, preferably from Victoria Secret, or anywhere reputable to get their attention. You're going to have to ballpark what size their privates are, and lets face it if you have female roommates you've pictured yourself doing them at some time or another, and thus you've visualized said areas and have at least half an idea. Just go a few noticeable sizes large in the hips, and a few down with the bra. You may think this is too personal a gift, but spite can bridge that gap. Spite can bridge any gap.

Gift: Food you know they hate.
I hate to impress upon you to dig up some knowledge about the people you live with, but a common reason you grown to dislike
roommates is their picky eating habits, or simply their loud and incessant cawing about the perceived inability they have to eat whatever food. If they don't like raisins, go for a nice awful fruit cake laden with the fuckers. Someone can't stand mushrooms? Then several designer cans of them are well suited. Dig deep here, spicy food not to their liking? Then you need to buy a jug of tabasco. Beef Jerky (or better Veal jerky) for vegetarians, and for the peanut allergy sufferer, this holiday season "I hope you go into anaphylactic shock, here is a jar of Jiffy."




Family (Older)

Gift: $20 Gift Certificate to Hot Topic

After you impress upon your uncle that you have an extensive collection of water sports mags, and gift him with one, hopefully he will never talk to you again.

Anyone over 65 has no idea what Hot Topic is and is frustrated by anything they didn't grow up with. Hopefully they are cheap enough to try and redeem some value off this gesture and will walk into the store. You know your older bitch of an aunt? the one who keeps trying to guilt the family to going to her bible study group? She will just love the store.

Gift: Cigarettes
Die faster.

Gift: Pornography
Just get something inappropriate. Cater it to the specific old person you hate. Fat people humping, Bestiality, Shit eating, its all out there. The faster the reprimand you for it, the better. But most of all try and let them think that you're into whatever you just gave them, to make it extra awkward. They might think twice next time they want to hit you up for boring conversation in fear you might bring up the whole "Piss Drinking" topic.


Family with children you hate, (and probably parents you hate).

Right now he's attempting to play "The Black Parade" by my chemical romance. And even though it sounds better, the parent of this child is going to drive into oncoming traffic the next he hears it.

Gift: Trumpet
The perfect gift for the kids of a person you hate is a trumpet. Hopefully the child will try and take it up, and at least in the car ride home (before it gets secretly disposed of while the kid is asleep) it will be annoying the shit out of people.

Gift: A gun
A great power move. Purchase the kid (the younger the better) a fire-arm. Don't forget to include some bullets. Its dangerous, loud and if taken away the kid will hopefully hate the disciplining parent. Your best hope is that when its being opened, its under indirect supervision. Ideally he or she can get it loaded and at least give it a try right there in the living room. If you're lucky enough you may not see them at future gatherings for any number of reasons.