Like anyone that has purchased a video card in the last seven years, I have noticed that most card manufacturers have come together in a pact to decorate their boxes with the most gaudy, and garish images. They excel at depicting the most random assortment of non-rendered examples available to them. Other times they focus on vaguely related lone individuals hideously adorned to desperately appear relevant to their own product. Many of these manufacturers are out of control and its a wonder no one took a closer look at what they're trying to say with these attempts. Here is the critique, and thank you to new egg for the pics

1.

He can only pray for death beneath the might of Keanu Reeves knowledge of hydro electric dynamics.

Manufacturer: Sapphire
Chipset: Radeon
Series: 9600 Pro
Sapphire employs the attention getting globule of water on the cover of their 9600 endeavor. I was indifferent to it until I realized that this looks similar to the blob of water that almost managed to kill Keanu Reeves in Chain Reaction. (Come on water, what the hell happened there?) Being reminded of the failures of water trying to kill the most slow witted of actors is rather painful. Beneath the Keanu sympathizer is a naked bronzed man. Its almost as if they were looking for things to make me look away from the box entirely. They're aware of the demographic that's needed to push these cards and just went against the grain with this offering.
Rating: D-


2.

The Maco-taur will attack-o-taur your open GL issues.

Manufacturer: ATI
Chipset: Radeon
Series: X800t
ATI has a strict policy that every thing on their boxes has to be pointy and nasty looking. Here we have a Minotaur, in regulation Raider Nation shoulder pads, holding a labrys and growling. This isn't necessarily an exception to the pointy rule, but they left some interesting clues for us to follow. First examine the crotch and how the legs hem it in, look at how finely the hips curve inward. This is clearly a girl Minotaur, who seems to be sporting sweat pants, and the general red theme behind her seems to suggest she's feeling the brunt of her cycle (You would be too if I were a Mac edition.). Even that Vulva in the top left is poorly disguised as a doorway, its practically diagrammed out with Labia minora, AND majora, even a clitoris got in the mix. If they had printed "For those days when your heavy flow feels like a demon cow with an axe" it probably would have done well selling pads.
Rating: C-


3.

GeEmo

Manufacturer: BFG
Chipset: Geforce
Series: 8800GTX
I respect BFG for going simple with the 8800 GTX, its getting tougher these days for card manufacturers not to put a some kind of retarded mime (number 7) or gay looking physics accident on the cover. Simplicity aside, their choice of subject doesn't speak to me at all. Bald, topless and emo don't come to mind when I'm searching for a video card, but maybe BFG knows something I don't. Also, it appears BFG is almost proud that their model has either Jaundice, or hepatitis, as his disease yellowing eyes are dead center, as if he is willing me to contract it from him. It goes without saying but I urge everyone to just say no to BFG's Twink-Ennui card. This is an affront to gays and faggy emo types, its offensive that they imply that they are the origin of hepatitis.
Rating: D+


4.

"I got eaten by a motherfuckin shark!"

Manufacturer: ATI
Chipset: FireGL
Series: V5100
Fire GL takes a literal approach trying to explain how the scientists in the movie Deep Blue Sea were genetically engineering shark's to make their brain pistons work harder so they could eat Samuel L. Jackson. We should congratulate the super-intelligent sharks, and only the super-intelligent sharks in that attempt at film. The rest of the box is covered in pillowy teal teddy bear stuffing. The rest is boring and effective in its blandness for simply being a box. But they couldn't resist showing the possible applications for the card in vagary and lame random selection of themes.
Rating: F


5.

One marble to rule all minis, and in the darkness, render them.

Manufacturer: PNY
Chipset: nVidia
Series: Quadro FX 4000
There's nothing expressly wrong with the wire frame Escher hand pawing a mini marble, but this card costs several thousand dollars, and you kinda expect a higher level of design. Like if you're buying a luxury car, you'd be disappointed if the side of the dealership had a mural of a hobo's scrotum flying by mars. No taste in design, no flare, or inversely even the good sense just to leave the side free of a picture. They just couldn't resist vomiting something up on the box to make it look like you're going to use the card to design this nonsense.
Rating: D


6.

She refused to lay missionary for Adam and got the hell out of dodge.

Manufacturer: Albatron
Chipset: geForce
Series: FX5200
Albatron, video card's by albatrosses, for albatrosses. It is mandated that everything illustrated on their boxes must have the ability to fly, as is Albatross royal law. In this effort it appears they are depicting Lilith from the bible. Who was the first wife of Adam. It might seem they stray off cannon because of her lack of owl wings, and is not flanked by owls, but I'm pretty sure she will still fly off into the night to kill the children of humans at night by the hundreds in her concealed razor talons. I conjecture they are updating the legend with a traditional Hindu color scheme, and going with an elfen chinese woman's face.
Lastly the mention of Vincent Minelli's movie "Gigi" is given, letting us know that she is also some kind of courtesan. I for one am impressed with Albatron's new "Flying Night Whore" design.
Rating: C+


7.

She is casting "Relevance +3" sadly she will never get it off.

Manufacturer: Sapphire
Chipset: Radeon
Series: X800
In Sapphire's touching homage to Marcel Marceau they take a female mime and put her in prayer. Some kind of warrior monk, bald and focused on her hands, she reminds us all why we may or may not miss one of the most famous dead French mimes of all time. Is this really showing us what the video card can do? The subject is stagnant and obdurate, and this has barely and bearing on what video cards are about. The only symbolism you can draw is that like a mime, you wont speak up about your purchase even when it breaks, and will pray for another. Is this some kind of new spokesperson? Fuck this noise.
Rating: D-





8.

This is the most poorly designed IUD

Manufacturer: ATI
Chipset: Radeon
Series: 9550
portal." I think its safe to say these people have no idea what they're doing. Whoever Radeon and their pointy theme introduce us to their 9550 masterwork "Sauron with monocle meets spikey bota bag on stargategreenlit this design to display on something that was sold commercially must either have been too busy to look at what their blind graphic designer pieced together or he has some larger plan so that all the box art they produce is unpalatable but if placed together with all the other bullshit spells something out. I would be ashamed to buy this in the same way that you outgrow x-treme marketing for young boys.
Rating: F


9.

This terminator is standing on what used to be time square.

Manufacturer: PNY
Chipset: GeForce
Series: 6200
I always thought cyborgs didn't like water, but PNY has other ideas about machines swimming under a cloudy setting sun as colored rain drops fall in unison. This really looks like the apocalypse that Waterworld AND the Terminator foretold. The skies are darkened by nuclear winter and glaciers and ice caps have melted creating an eternal sea. The last of the genocide-bots roams the shallow water of what was eastern seaboard looking for survivors to rend into chum. Chilling. Will we be rendering this doomed future on our video cards? Probably not, seeing as the picture looks like garbage with little effort in composition. I dread to think of the person actually putting together an art project that looks like that. For shame.
Rating: C