...In today's politically correct world of decaying stereotypes and growing cultural sensitivity, it's important that we, as a maturing society, dispense with the myths that accompanied the bigotry of the past. It is time to separate fact from fiction, to take what we need and leave what we don't. It's time to get real!

No, Pacific Islanders don't deep-fry their babies' heads to appease King Kong.
No, women aren't God's gift to man.
No, Homos do mind being referred to as "Homos".
No, Native Americans aren't bigger drunkards than the Irish.

With these stereotypes properly dismissed, we can safely ask: Isn't anything sacred? What truths can we hold onto? In an uncertain world, there is one thing that will never change: the undeniably regular occurrence of disgusting dandruff infecting all Mulattos.

That's right. We all have stories of our own personal affirmation of this maxim. Whether it be that time the Oreo headbanging in front of you doused your concert-going experience with the flaky Jim Crow defying off-white of sexual Emancipation; or that time you dodged the goodnight-kiss from that half-Japanese/ half-French guy you thought was really cute until you were so close to his shoulders that your forehead felt like a chalkboard eraser; or, even worse, that time your nightclubbing was interrupted when you bent down to sniff a line off the magical mop that had entered the bathroom only to realize that a short, homeless Mulatto had sneaked past the bouncer and was panhandling in your stall.

You might ask, isn't this just another baseless stereotype used to brand a stigmatizing sense of "Other-ness" onto an already marginalized group of innocent people? The answer to this stupid question is that there have been hundreds, if not thousands of scientific studies conducted by leading raceiologists from major universities such as Brigg, Fathstein, and Ridsmore all pointing to the same conclusion: upon interaction with plasma of a different racial type, white blood cells enlarge and float to the scalps of Mulattos, producing the spew of dry dandruff from their hair follicles. This shredding migration of flakes through the brain has also been linked to the drooling idiocy common in most race-trader offspring.

So where do we go from here? Will we continue to turn a bashful eye from this situation? Will we continue saying to ourselves that there is no problem? Will we weep ourselves to sleep for another decade? No! We must face our responsibility as a society and solve this crisis.

To forbid interracial relations would be senseless. We've tried it before and it simply doesn't work. This solution also won't be of any help to the hundreds of thousands of mulattos already suffering in the Untied States, let alone the millions abroad. Only one clear course of action is visible: racial blood separation.

For example, by drawing all of the black or white blood out of an Oreo, dandruff production will terminate. By imposing mandatory blood separation on all 7-year-old mulattos, we can spare them the shame of an adolescence weighted under the disgrace of skull snow. This will also save these children the trouble of reconciling such confusing facts as why their grandparents don't speak the same language or why Republicans hate them.

Yes, there are problems with this solution. What about mulattos with more than two races in them? Will HMOs cover the procedure? Will Head and Shoulders file Chapter 11? Although these are valid concerns, we must not let them deter us from placing children first.

We have the technology. We have the know-how. If we act soon, we can end dandruff and blood confusion within the next decade. The alternative is a mixed bag at best.