This is a a kind of two way sexist street. I bought you the car, you're happy: I can buy you.

In the mid-nineties I started seeing Lexus commercials where your wife, on a crisp fall afternoon, or snow frosted Christmas morning, is surprised with the Lexus you purchased for her. Besides the bizarre expectations this could possibly set for people, or the startling extravagant waste of a disposable income, aren't we concerned she might want to have been consulted first about something like this? Most of the women you love would be furious at the prospect of purchasing an item like this out of the blue, and I figured if you're rich enough to not only purchase the sneak attack Lexus, why would you simply buy a Lexus? Not some fancy monkey-navigated aston martin or small air craft?

Fuck you Listerine. Waiting in the wings until I'm tired or drunk, and springing a John Goodman sized guilt trip on me about germs in my mouth. The germs that are animated in CGI are the most freakish, scary concoctions of concentrated clinical fear I can bear. I'm sitting on my sofa at 3 A.M. and all of a sudden you pop on with your nightmare inducing depictions of the supposed germs lurking, nay, active citizens of the gaps between my teeth, prompting not only gingivitis, but peritonitis, and possibly out right chaos. Fear tactics like these are only used by chickenshits, how dare you.

That's right, viscosity breakdown from our competitor leads directly to a car fire. You and everyone you love will die a fiery death.

Any time I hear the words "brand X", "the other guy", "our competitor" or see a comedic situation in which the opposite brand loses out during a pratfall I am instantly alerted to the insecurity of the company that paid for the commercial. If your best strategy is to trash the competition like a politician, why do I care? You can pretend all you want that you kill weeds better than brand x, or that brand x leaves bumps on your bikini zone after waxing, but I already know you're full of shit.

Time and time again songs are leased out to soulless corporation to hock their product. Rather than focus the time of actually improving themselves, advertising jingles are the first line of defense in proving that SBC is a reasonable company, or that maybe I'd like to eat at Arby's. Catchy music can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only is coke zero better than diet Pepsi, but straying from brand loyalty will outright kill you.

But Kai, how can something that does so well for our economy be bad? That's like asking why aids is doing so well.

They care about everyday low prices. And doing 3 second biopics on pretend employees can help us see they're a neighborhood store, in the business of caring and enrichment. I believe this about as much as I believe that wearing a helmet while skydiving can save my life. They're trying to convince us of so many more things they don't have control over.

I'm not going to tell you to avoid burger king. That's a leap you have to realize for yourself. If you actually stop and look down at the food you're eating, past the advertising, and the delightful staff manning the register, you Will see BK's, and all fast foods true face. They can't help but make the food look like someone sat on it before they served it to you. Sat on it, injected it with calories, and held it under a heat lamp for several hours. I don't know where the king fits into this charade, but honestly, Tell me that scary fucking puppet doesn't make you rather hide for 15 minutes or so rather than march in to a bk lounge and order a croisshitwitch with a god damned smile on your face.

THE MOTHERFUCKING NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN THE WORLD

Every single movie ad that ends up on T.V. has bequeathed themselves the: "#1 movie in America." This is either a lie, or easier to get than herpes. I can't believe for a second, Open season with Ashton Kutcher, the Gaurdian with Ashton Kutcher, Guess who with Ashton Kutcher, or the Butterfly effect with Ashton Kutcher were ever number one. YET they all sported the phrase after the first week of opening.

That if I'm considering a meal at a subway sandwich franchise that I care at all about calories, losing weight, or what passes as a "sandwich" these days.

Waking up early to exercise, being justified as a female athlete, going the extra mile because you have heart - these are not traits that Nike instills in you. Somewhere along the line their shoes became so expensive/pretentious they started believe they were their own religion of gym natives, and jogging fanatics. It sickens me to think that there are people out there playing basketball and jogging because Nike had an inspirational commercial where you'd identify with the inner city character still getting up despite their circumstances to work out against the odds and show the world they're tough in they're own way. Fuck you, in the most sweatshop laden, garbage ad polished, douche water way.

It doesn't matter how many customer testimonials, and hip-hop beat tracks you lay down, I am not going to forget my car looks like a foot locker, and a Kleenex box's offspring. And the rest of you cars out there, I would LOVE to see a meteorite hit the Toyota Tacoma and blow it to shit, I'd like to see the V.W. hop off a fucking building, and I would absolutely savor someone enjoying their ride in a KIA, stop living the fantasy.