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General Update posted Fri April 27, 2007: 7:01 PM by Kai Betting on Relationship Longevity General Update posted Fri April 20, 2007: 11:28 PM by Kai 7 Things From My Childhood That Are No More General Update posted Thu April 19, 2007: 7:58 AM by Kai Palgon Superhuman Data Services
Posted Tue September 26, 2006: 6:51 PMGeneral Update
!!Then wait no longer!!
Palgon Superhuman Data Services offers a wide variety of solutions for your Online needs as a superhero, vigilante, or bounty hunter.
As an ISP we provide a connection fast enough for the most entrepreneurial detectives and super sleuths, allowing you to download all the information from a given city hall mainframe or Undersea Stronghold in a matter of seconds. Need to download an experimental world wide weather augmentation program a Supervillain left behind? All those Pedabytes can take ages to download, but not any more! Don't worry about connectivity either, Palgon's range extends beyond the existing Internet and is connected to no less than four alien Internets spanning more than 300 light years range (138+ light years more than our closest competitor!), allowing you more freedom with your communication watch, Tungsten Based Star-Galleon, or wireless PDA. (Uploading Bandwidth not to exceed 120/kb sec. Additional Charges may apply. See services and rates for all applicable charges. 38/kb sec results are server side standard, client based results may vary.)
Palgon also does reliable data storage. Why should your data suffer side-kick's storage concerns when you have a super human appetite for crime fighting? With fast reliable storage you'll never need to worry about the Zionists destroying the source code for the Matrix again. Here's a testimonial:
"The gang and I just snagged an important data-disc after chasing a group of foot soldiers for two god damned hours. That disc had everything about the hover ship Krang was building, the blue prints, weapon systems, everything down to where the weakest timings in the shield sub-routines occured. But, It was a late night, and I didn't make any duplicates, and it was an early morning when Krang sends a mutant potato to destroy downtown New York. "After getting back we find our apartment smashed to pieces, and my super computer in tatters. Rocksteady left his calling card pile of mutant shit in my smoldering and shattered twelve thousand dollar custom plasma screen. I get it that he works for a guy that we don't agree with, and we fight a lot, but this is out of line. I don't ask for much, and we only do right by the other mutants that don't give us problems, mark my worlds: I will end him. "Anyway, it wasn't a problem that my ridiculously expensive computer was destroyed, Palgon's automated backup services safely stored data, and I was able to retrieve what I needed."
Donatello
The Ninja Turtles
We are greatly concerned about the safety of your data, and that's why we have the highest industry standards for sensitive data storage. We were a primary provider of data storage to the Department of Homeland Security until the department was dissolved after the Demon Clone wars and the passing of senator Rakthreth Mshgr''Zh's ''Re-Patriot Act of 2024.'' But before that we were certified to handle Top Secret and Sensitive Compartmented Information, for a full TS/SCI TK/Q/SI/Crypto Security Clearance. Some of our current contracts include:
Palgon is upfront with its customers and admits that there was one* instance of a security compromise since our doors opened. But it is a matter of public record that when Brainiac 12 and Brainiac 13 attacked, there was NO computer would have been safe from them. A special provision in international law would allow us to claim there was not a security breach, when in fact no security level could apply to the combined force, however we stand for truth. *Pending four lawsuits there has only been one instance to date.
To defend against hackers, we have Cypher (aka Douglas Ramsey) attempt to hack in before our search-and-destroy teams detect his presence, locate, and then eradicate him. Cypher personally talks to our servers every day and augments the encryption algorithms beyond recognition of any computer on the face of this green earth. So the computers are hacker safe, but how secure are the locations in which they are stored? 
Good question!
The Justice League has certified our flagship storage location to withstand a full scale tactical assault from the evil alliance of Bavmorda, Sub-Zero, and Gorilla Grodd (team Sabado Gigante). The primary site is in Wyoming. Above ground is the signal relay center housed in quadruple re-enforced Durasteel and concrete walls 38 ft thick at its narrowest, with fifteen sets of backup generators powering a magnetic shield, and cloaking center this fortress is known as the Lockropolis. The Lockropolis extends half a mile beneath the earths surface where the data is kept not in servers or storage drives but inside Johnny Mnemonic clones. Each one is utilized for storage and they are all kept unconscious and connected to our neural LAN. They work as a Matrix of Johhny clones storing data on an organic medium so its harder to break into. Sadly the capacity for these is only 90gb each and many have to be maintained. The below ground storage facility of the Johnnys is rated to withstand 49 megatons of explosion. Should that level of force be detected it will trigger a self destruct sequence and unleash 55 megatons of Fission bomb that will gopefully take out all the data at risk and any of the people pwho were trying to get at it. Luckily in data storage, redundancy is the key so any of the data atomized by the explosion is safely backed up in our sister location which is on the surface of the moon. (The Fission bomb defense system has been rewired since the Brainiac hacking incident, to only go off if the threat is inside the facility. We apologize to the 87 families who lost loved ones that day, and the former Wyoming towns of Hantford, Riverbrook, and Oakville, but our lawyers inform us to deny any involvement that the blast caused the tear in time/space and issuing the start of the Demon Clone Wars. All hail Senator Rakthreth Mshgr''Zh)
As a means of active defense our search-and-destroy team consists of Terminators. If you are suspected of hacking into our systems, two squads of them will be dispatched in those crazy flying ships to your house. They also patrol the surrounding Teton mountains in search of suspicious activity. Here is a recent list of things that came within the "safety distace" of the Lockropolis and were neutralized:
PATROL LOG TEAMS R, V, C AND X TARGET OBLITERATION LOGS
TARGETS IDD 3/7/2037 - TERMINATED BAVMORDA SUB-ZERO TARGETS IDD 3/9/2037 - TERMINATED LOST BUS DRIVER HIRED THUG THE RIDDLER JOHN CONNOR DRIFTER POLICE LOOKING FOR LOST BUS DRIVER TARGETS IDD 3/15/2037 - TERMINATED SNOW JOB WILLIAM CONNOR DAVID CONNOR CONNOR O'HARA SUSPICIOUS LOOKING FAMILY RV OFF-BREED DOG ALFONSO CONNARIO RICK MALCON KNORR OAKVILLE 2 HAL CONNER TERYY CONAR Lastly our email servers help you establish yourself as a hero. After all the commissioner of global crime isn't going to get back to "Daredevil@goldenpalaceemailforheroes.com" Get customized domains today. And lastly keeping your name off those pesky superhero spam lists. Do you see emails like this cluttering up your inbox?
Gordons Anti-Virus and Spam Defender.
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