Biting is usually not on the menu (usually), but I urge women to take caution with the teeth. I'm all for some gentle nibbling, and use of the back teeth, but when you get right down to the basic motion, having a K9 or incisor slicing into the same spot over and over makes it feel like you're trying to fell said wood to make a dam. Effort is good, but remember: Beavers are Cleavers. Churro Vs. Lollipop. But lets say you really don't like giving head, you can use your teeth to your advantage if your dating. Bite aimlessly, and let that jaw hang, after a few bad sessions your man may never ask for it again.

Its messed up to think that her husband pulled the plug after putting up with five years of dead fish oral in those hospital conjugal visits.

Now, were already glad head is being given. Its fabulous. Yet I need to speak up for some of us and say if you're going to do it, show a little effort. It may seem like the give an inch take a mile scenario, and I don't want to look a Gift Mouth in their cock filled mouth, but why are you doing it in the first place if you're just going to keep it in 2nd gear? Here's a handy procedural check:

1. Am I giving head?: yes/no
2. Intensity level: 1-10
3. Swallow: Roll 1d20: Success at >17 Add. [Birthday Check of +1-2 (Roll 1d2 to determine Check)]

A good rule of thumb is if you get to step 2, and you're keeping it at anything below a "5" then step 1 should have been "no." Guys are glad to get any type of action, but lets keep aware, if you're only paying the minimum balance on the meat mortgage, chances are you're not into it, so stop. If you are questioning your motives for taking one in the mouth, then it's probably something you'll regret. Don't get me wrong, getting sex that the other party will regret is awesome. A good example is getting "guilt-trip oral," "woke up with it already in my mouth sex," the famous "Only 70% sure its my boyfriend head," and make up oral, or as I call that last one: "Angry Head." The point is by completing this simple check off you can make sure you're in this for the right reasons, effort counts.

"No baby I'm sorry that judge is totally out to get you and took your children...yeah and jesus can be like that sometimes. Aww don't cry...well don't stop..."

For most people this is a turn off, unless you are role playing or you have some horrific molestation related crime in your past, one of those things happens at summer camp the other is a method in which older couples attempt spice up their sex lives. And knowing you (by you I mean all guys) you wont stop someone from blowing you while they weep, but this is one of nature's little ways of telling you "don't touch" so let them finish up and then run. If its a guy you've lured into blowing you, admit you don't have any answers about his sexuality or that you don't have any candy and then run. This is definitely in the recipe for a bad bj, but as I said guys will try and work around it, and don't make us ignore you while you're down there, becuase we will.

Some guys like a little more testicular attentions, others not so much. If you're not sure, the basic rule for playing with balls is the same as Picking Wild Mushrooms, If you aren't sure, then don't. Rest assured if there is something we need done to Ping and Pong, a customer service representative will be along shortly to let you know. Outside of playing, the other big concern is leaning on them. As pressure sensitive as that plate that was holding up that gold head in Raiders of the Lost Arc, the sack is a tricky customer. An errant forearm can really detract so mind your p's and q's. After all, if your forearm cost you that grade you were aiming for, your face would be red...and unfortunately a little white. This problem ususally arises when the owner of the lucky beef whistle is lying down, try at the edge of a bed, in a chair or even standing up to more easily avoid this problem.

I PROMISED IT DURING PILLOW TALK YOU MANIPULATIVE ORAL GENIUS

There is a fine line between questions and conversation, its the same line that separates Katsup and Ketchup, and a similar line that separates rough sex and a court ordered psychiatric evaluation. Simply paying attention can gather more information than "Is that good?" or even trying to carry on a conversation is hazardous, topics like politics, unreturned blood tests and things about her current boyfriend can be distracting. Lastly, Ladies listen up, just because its effective doesn't mean asking for jewelry or ski vacations while giving head is acceptable. Its bad form to request things while giving someones bits and pieces a tongue exam. In fact I will lobby to get a bill enacted saying that anything said, promised or requested during sex will be classified as "Pillow Talk" and disregarded. I'll call it the "I'm trying to get out of buying you that Lexus I promised you when you were blowing me and I promised you a Lexus Pillow talk Law." Remember guys, this law goes both ways, if she shouts out your best friends name during sex its classified as "Pillow Talk." All we'd like out of you girls is a little focus, and talking usually takes away from that. We want you studying that wang like its the LSATS, and after a blast to the jaw you're off to North Western (I apologize for that analogy to those of you blowing someone as we speak to get into North Western).

This isn't what you're thinking, swallowing can't be included on this list because it needs to be worked out on a case by case basis (though in some cases you'll get farther arguing with a Jewish wall). This is about spitting as a means of lubrication or whatever else. One day porn stars started this trend out of nowhere, and frankly I'd like them to return it there. before people start imitating it, or just get hit with a particularly bad sex improv concept. If I had one wish it would be for porn directors to stand up and fight this insidious problem. Pronounced spitting is one of the biggest turn offs this century since Whoopi Goldberg's sex tape. This is the third most distracting thing in the bedroom behind ignoring the baby monitor and spontaneously com busting. I'm so far against it personally I'd rather see the spitting thing stopped than all the fecalfilia that out there, and its not because I endorse the whole crap thing, its that there are probably more people who would probably Rally for fecalfilia, than for Spitting. And besides you don't want to start a shit storm with poop fanatics, they'll always win.

This is a representational tapestry depicting semen unnecessarily making its way back home.

This little misunderstanding is the fourth leading cause of break-ups, behind cheating, the ambush golden shower, and "Accidentally" recording your love making for the purposes of online video sales. It happens so innocently, your woman will finish the job like a contract penis killer and migrates back north like a ninja in the summer, with a mouth chewier than a bag full of dried hymens and settles in next to you, then all of sudden she swoops in with the kiss, before you know it you're making out and then you realize the flavor you are savoring is... your own. In the organizational development world this is called "Giving Feedback." If this should happen to you, don't panic, simply disengage and move on to the next order of business, be it cuddling, asking for a sandwich or paying for said services. After you're done there you can find a corner to cry in before you seek out a razor and bleach to cleanse yourself. Chances are she isn't totally aware of what she's done, and if you freak out she will bring it up with her friends, if she brings it up with her friends it will make its way back to your friends, and that's when the nick names start: Semen Stealer, Swimmers Step dad, Backwash, Tasters Choice, Snowball Jr. etc. I don't know if this is an issue for gay guys, but whatever their opinion I respect it, they are more versed in penis etiquette than any of us straight people.