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General Update posted Fri April 27, 2007: 7:01 PM by Kai Betting on Relationship Longevity General Update posted Fri April 20, 2007: 11:28 PM by Kai 7 Things From My Childhood That Are No More General Update posted Thu April 19, 2007: 7:58 AM by Kai Hangover Cures From Around the World
Posted Sun June 04, 2006: 12:39 AMGeneral Update Ahoy hoy! Today I go over a subject known intimately by the American populace. Something as personal to us as our nipples and inescapable as the dawn. I speak of course about hangovers. Despite the iron grip of the hangover headache, and the waves of uneasy nausea, this is a tradition we share with our drinking forefathers, right down to the beer shits when you park yourself over the can and grip the porcelain with both hands to try and tell your quivering anus "its gonna be ok brown eye joe" and you let loose a salvo of waste that sounds like mini-marshmallows hitting hot chocolate. Since these symptoms have existed people have been trying to cure them, and you know how stupid people are. Every culture in the world has a folksy remedy that purportedly can whisk your problems away, so here is an examination of a few of them. A
Afghanistan: The latest craze in the crazy country to rid yourself of those morning blues is to run over some civilians and drive off.
Armenia: Goat Butter tea I hear works wonders for headaches. Still groggy? Try some fur of the goat in tea form. Need to get rid of those body pains? Try having sex with a goat. Pretty much anything with a goat will get you where you need to be.
Angola: Go back to sleep.
Australia: When you wake up, check that you are still in a land down under, maintain lack of clothing except your hat. Continue drinking.
Austria: For ages people in Northern Germany and Austria have been using raw fish to try and rid themselves of hangovers. Be it your herring, captive Jew, or freshwater trout, nothing beats those the B-vitamins.
B
Bangladesh: Kunar! Eshkashem! Allah save us the water is rising again! Get your sister we have to find high ground! Oh no! Not again! NOOOOOOOO!
Bolivia: Nothing fancy, try an egg sandwich, some cool water and a face melting dose of Cocaine.
Botswana: Liberal exercise can clear the body of the hangover inducing toxins. Running from crocodiles and Hyenas can provide such a thing.
Brazil: Focusing on the STD you contracted last night in that Sao Paulo dance club bathroom stall will force you to concentrate and help take the sting out of the headache, but not out of your privates.
C
Cambodia: A curry enema can do wonders for your state of mind (beware raisins).
Canada: If there's one thing that Canadians know, its that A protein shake, Moose turds and maple syrup when combined with vitamin C a banana served ice cold out of a boot shaped glass mug will not cure a hangover.
China: In an Official press release from the People's Commandant of Public Relations no known cures are said to exist, and that imbibing alcohol is a drain on the country and can sap your daily output. Though it is known that ranking officials in the government often take part in imprisoning journalists to remedy themselves of a hangover.
Cuba: Many people rely on a banana shake after a heavy bender to loosen those symptoms from their heads. That and a 75 mile northerly swim are said to have great amelliorific powers.
Czech Republic: A country rich with beer demands that the horns of morning regret be met with a healthy dose of? What? What's that? BEER!
D
Denmark: No strangers to the hangover, the Danish also believe in Raw Herring served on a bun with onions. A movie at the Copenhagen Gay film festival (in October) professes the soothing effects of weiner in the mouth . . . a fact displayed by the abundance of hot dog carts around the city that may or may not have wang sauce in them. . . (Wang sauce being sauce made by Bunson Wang, a Dutch Native . . . who is gay) . . . (And by gay I mean happy to contribute to the rich culture of Hotdogs in Denmark) . . . Penis!
E
Egypt: Ibuprofen usually works best, don't take it before you go to sleep. Whatever you do, don't take aspirin while there's still a lot of alch in your system, the alch aspirin combo can cause liver damage.
Estonia: Sauna's are a good way to sweat-cleanse the body of harmful toxins and ward off the cold Nordic seasons. Locals also portend that Estonian men have a magical sprig of Juniper inside their nasal cavity, that can be activated to commute a link between them and their most trusted juniper stein. Wherein they can distribute the hangover to an inanimate mug.
Ethiopia: Not a lot of drinkers in this country. But I will say that if you wake up hungover and maybe still a little drunk in Ethiopia, an examination of the widespread poverty can be quite sobering.
F
Finland: While the Fins are a happening people we have to forgive them for not having a lot of conventional or folksy cures for things. In a country that can get down to -55 degrees Celsius they regularly drink and look forward to the hangover so they can take their minds off the cold.
France: The French know the wicked sting of a cheap wine hangover laced with congener and regret. Surrendering to a hangover can make you want to quit drinking. Get a bowl and give up some cold water into it, now throw in the towel. Wrap the cool towel around your head take a few drags off a cigarette and retreat back to bed.
G
Gabon: Any pygmy witch doctor can tell you that jamming the feces of a goat into your ears will loosen the demon spirits haunting your head after a night of overindulgence. Gabon almost joined America's "coalition of the willing" 2003 except that the US would not support Gabon's aids prevention program which was founded around having sex with a virgin to rid yourself of HIV.
Germany: Crushed meat products are well known for their healing prowess and the Germans are no stranger to the allure of a good curried wiener or braut to bring you back around. This tradition has been alive in the country for years, why even Joseph Ratzinger recalls the crazy nights out he had with the Hitler youth and the hangovers of genocidical proportions he would bring back. Even then a good sausage would clear all his troubles right up.
Great Britain: Britain has a rich history of drinkers and drinking, and that territory comes with a storied past of hangover cures. From vitamin cocktails to the greasy food answer Britain has all the avenues covered. But Britain isn't without their share of blowhards either. And a popular Blowhard remedy is "The best cure for a hangover is not to drink" . . . gee thanks.
Guatemala: Morning after survivors in Guatemala head for the local cure known as the "Sopa de Huevos". A chicken soup base, with tomatoes and celery, and once brought to a rolling boil has an egg dropped into it.
H
Haiti: A great cure hangover cure in Haiti is to pack up and get the hell out of Hispaniola. Results vary, but you'll probably feel better in the long run.
Hungary: The hearty Nightowl Soup comprised of thick broth and sausage, a culinary native of Budapest is used by locals to ward off some of the effects of the morning after the blitz.
I
India: A festive nightshift at the local call center pretending to be an American can clear you right up.
Iraq: If you consider getting shot being "drunk" and bleeding to death being "hungover" then truly the cure is a pine box covered with an American flag.
Iran: Iranians everywhere say that after getting sloshed you should--- Hah just kidding, they execute people in Iran for drinking.
Ireland: From an Irish version of Alka-Seltzer with codeine, the Classic all day consumption of the Irish break, to the more historic and folksy cure of being buried up to the neck in river sand, the Irish have been at figuring this one out for a long long time. One cure I have heard about, works %100 of the time. If during a hangover, you drink more than what got you the hangover, you will no longer have the hangover ... that day. No fuss, no muss, drink through it.
J
Japan: The mightiest of hangovers can be cured with autumn.
K
Korea (South): Did you know that South Korea leads the world in deaths by exhaustion from video games, AND pooping in bags and throwing them into the street?
Korea (North): I've heard that after any particularly brutal binge Kim Jong Il relies on a steady dose of dressing up his body guards like Pokemon and having them act out scenes from Uncle Vanya while eating peanuts carved in his likeness. And god help that day's Charzar if he doesn't portray Alexander's mood and intent correctly to Weedle Helena, his family will be killed.
Kyrgyzstan: The local health shamans say that a redbull and vodka will sort you out proper, failing that you probably prayed to the wrong god and have to give up all your worldly possessions to fight the great dragon living in the north mountains.
L
Laos: Anything that Thailand will do, these jerks will copy.
Lebanon: Soul shattering doses of coffee are a popular cure for the afternight rager in this country. Caffeine can really compound the dehydration problem but Lebanese coffee is so strong you'll end up seeing through time or clenching your jaw so hard your teeth shoot out of your mouth like shrapnel.
Lichtenstein/Luxembourg: When people from these two tiny countries get drunk enough (all 12 of them) they switch countries and see if anyone notices. They're usually too excited by the switch while they run giggle and shove each other to remember the hangover.
M
Madagascar: The star studded cast couldn't prevent this film from sucking burnt shit. Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer, Jada Pinkett Smit, look at this list it keeps fucking going Sacha Baron Cohen, Cedric the Entertainer, Andy Richter. I mean christ the script just had to suck THAT bad.
Mexico: The Menudo soup, which come from a rich cultural history and has a place being served usually for family occasions and holidays has made its way in local culture as a hangover cure. Consisting of Tripe, calfs foot and chili peppers with a dash of hominy, I'd rather stick with the hangover.
Mongolia: A legend from times past tells that Mongolians would indulge in pickled sheep's eyes to relieve some of the hangover symptoms. Its also worth noting I found that the sheep's eye thing is also linked (in Mongolian lore) to a cure from pregnancy, drought, heart disease and evil spirits.
N
Nepal: High altitude and booze make a powerful combo. Follow your Sherpa carefully and don't lag behind. Make sure you have plenty of yak butter for the trip, and remember whatever you do, never ever anger a Nepalese woman, she will punch so hard your knee caps will be bruised for days.
New Zealand: New Zealanders have their own cures for drinking too much, but Peter Jackson while at his WETA studios in Wellington has found a way to digitally remove it from our lives.
Nigeria: Only by getting an American to help you move 38 million dollars out of the country will you be able to rid yourself of headache and morning sickness.
O
Oman: Oman! you had too much to drink, Oman! are you hungover.
P
Peru: Some people use "Leche de tigre" as a hangover cure. Leche de tigre is the juice of Ceviche. And frankly I'll just stick with the Ceviche. Mmmmmm Ceviche.
Philippines: You might find a trip to Serramonte, twice around the fountain and in for a hot dog refreshing.
Poland: Ex-Lax
R
Russia: Pickled Sauerkraut juice, or Kvass, a malt beverage made out of fermented rye bread. Though it is said that some Russians have made it a tradition attempting to wield the hair of the dog but end up getting drunk again, and so the derivative joke goes "Monday. Drank with the Russians. Tuesday. Almost died. Wednesday. Drank with the Russians some more. Thursday. Should have died on Tuesday."
Rwanda: You can't spell "Rwandan Genocide" without "Gin Dread".
S
Saudi Arabia:
Kai: You've changed man.
Saudi Arabia: What? What do you mean?
Kai: You used to be cool and stuff. Now you're all about telling people what to do, especially about prohibition.
Saudi Arabia: You should try our Bottarga, its sun cured sole.
Kai: Hey that's pretty good.
Slovenia: The local ox maidens having no longer to defend the country from the backstabbing Croats, suggest soaking three potatoes in cod liver oil and juggling it to entertain passing gypsies.
T
Taiwan: Some Taiwanese believe that peanut milk holds the key, but they also believe it can help fight baldness, soothe menopause symptoms, prevent cancer, help fight aids (seriously), heal wounds faster, and help you sleep and become more sexually virile among other things.
Thailand: You know that twice now when holding the "Miss Thailand" competition men dressed as women have gotten to the finals. I guess its really true, Thai men make good women, slender legs perfect cheekbones, hourglass figure.
Turkey: There are plenty of ways to beat a hangover in Turkey, from drinking man-carrot juice, taking a sauna with naked men, to tripe soup... eaten from a man's navel.
U
United States: We have a multitude of cures here: the dreaded Tabasco and raw egg, alternating hot and cold shower, drop a hammer on the balls, but also an abundance of "Wonder Pills" that are supposed to magically prevent or stop hangovers. This just goes to show that people can be convinced of anything, on that note, would you like to hear about Scientology?
Uzbekistan: Uzbeks avoid hangovers by relying on the fact that the hangover fairy can't find Uzbekistan.
V
Venezuela: Pretty much all of the Hangover remedies I've come across from Central and South America involve chili pepper dosages that could melt a hole in porcelain or kill a gringo such as myself. Venezula is no exception. Along with that I bet there is a bubble tea place somewhere that features an unbelievably hot and spicy tapioca tea.
Vietnam: Performing a "Shrimp Net" on someone means that you just fisted a Vietnamese person and then wiped your hands across their face and neck. It can also mean getting Tea bagged through a chain link fence. I only heard this last one from a friend of mine who is Vietnamese and is very steeped in his own culture down in the hard core Vietnamese hood, San Diego. His cure is Pho, a soup of cilantro mint leaves some sweet and sour stuff, and I've tried Pho the morning after, usually the chicken variety, it works alright. Yet for him it works wonders, he's up, rejuvenated and happenin'.
I think the variety of cures from around the world proves that people are stupid and will believe whatever they want to. Water helps, and so does more sleep but many of the cures include ingredients that can make dehydration and trying to deal with some of the toxins worse, yet people swear by these remedies, the only thing (outside of not drinking so much, but who are we kidding life fucking sucks sometimes. For some shit you'd be crazy not to reach for a bottle like to heal a breakup or forget you locked your neighbors kid in a coffin as a joke but forgot about him in there and you know they'll eventually find the corpse and trace it back to you, drink up) that can help you once you wake up and are knee deep in headaches nausea and a bad taste in your mouth is to believe in your own placebo. So go and enjoy life to its fullest, because you only have so many chances to wake up after a crazy night of drinking next to hot sweaty nubile 17 year olds who can't remember a single thing about last night except a dose of taken advantage of and a dash of shame while they try and uncake your genetic material from their hair and the corners of their mouths before the police catch on you live next to a Boy Scout camp and know how to get over the fence. |
