Info: One of the more recognizable leading ladies, Princess Peach has been a mainstay in the NES community for damsel type roles. She enjoys expensive stuff, and elbow length gloves.

Pros: Attractive in an ageless royalty type of way. I wouldn't worry about Mario anymore, he doesn't really seem all that interested in Princess Peach after "the hunt" is over. Italian guys usually have a little more fire and zest over their designated significant other. I'm fairly sure that he used to be all about the Peach, but as time went on his preferences have changed. Honestly I think he and Luigi are brothers in a non-traditional sense now. Don't get me wrong I'm not hinting that Mario is gay, I'm saying: Mario is gay. Mario sunshine was his love letter to the homosexual video game community, and if the mario party series was any more ball drainingly queer it would implode into a stylish gay black hole, and then that black hole would be penetrated by a mushroom shaped dildo. Anal expeditions aside, this means you have a chance with the princess.

Cons: Kidnapped a little too frequently by the same guy. Perhaps the first few times you can chalk it up to Bowser's mad rapist tendencies, and just let it go with a restraining order, but wouldn't you start taking better precautions? One can only venture forth to rescue a maiden so many times to find a poorly defended gatehouse, and an easily escapable dungeon before you start wondering if this is a kidnap job or vague cover for an on-again off-again boyfriend.

Recommendation: Chances are you might get a few shits and giggles from dating an old money heiress, but I wouldn't look for anything long term here, unless you don't mind spotting Bowser pulling up in his Camaro after sundown to Peach central and taking your woman out for a discreet "spin."

Info: First appearing in Ice Climber back in 1984, she recently made an appearance in the smash brothers series. Hailing from the frozen north along the pacific rim, she is just barely disqualified from being counted as one of the handful of Asian women in a starring role on the NES. She enjoys hammers, and Eggplant.

Pros: Eskimo chicks are hot, they have to be in their natural climate. Also she doesn't strike me as very chatty (if she can talk at all?), which translates to not having a sass mouth either. Also her naturally small feet make it easier for her to stand closer to the sink.

Cons: Her brother follows her every god damned place, like he's her shadow, a big cock blocking shadow. They've never been seen more than four feet apart and that can get tough over dinner or walking her back to her brownstone igloo.

Recommendation: If she manages to get away from her controlling brother, then you might be able to get to know her for her. In the meantime I'd steer clear, unless you're looking for a third wheel or possibly a fight. Even if you did get three or four dates in that didn't end badly, imagine trying to make out while being watched by a guy with a hammer and a mean glare in his eyes. Brothers can be jackasses.

Info: A babe of the stars. This no nonsense lady has been rocking the Nintendo since 1986. Forgoing a more classic female character, it has freed her up to pursue actual interests in her universe, instead of being a traditional garden variety helpless dumb twat.

Pros: Well traveled, has stories that would chill your space blood. If you ever need something bounty hunted in space, or if your house was, is, or are anticipating a metroid infestation, this is your woman. And how many people do you date that have their own spaceship.

Cons: She goes from space station to space station, and its not surprising that she not only fights some of the most exotic and bizarre aliens out there, but also fight some of the most exotic and bizarre stds out there. Believe me, space aids aren't what you think, but its still not a battle you'd want to wage in your pants, especially not against Caberian laser worms. And if you're squeamish about spontaneous parasite related castration, and your kidneys turning into two larva that will devour your innards alphabetically, then you sir may not like Moon-Gonorrhea.

Recommendation: Since she is in space so much, it's tough for her to maintain a functional relationship. It may just be you and her while she's in town but a gal gets lonely among the stars. If that's cool with you then gird your loins for love and a case of martian chlamydia (don't worry about your pubes catching fire, and the constant bleeding from the eyes; it will abate in a few months with a constant stream of painful injections of dog semen and habanero concentrate into your left ear drum).

Info: A solid, steady golfer, a pioneer in female sports. The only woman featured in the 1988 Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf.

Pros: Knows how to read a fairway lie well, and enjoys beer. Will arm wrestle you with zeal. Hangs out with Super Mex aka Lee Trevino, so its good times if you want to hang out with a golf legend. I wonder if he chose that name for his video game or it was a stereotypical cowboy on the SNK development team.

Cons: Not interested in men. You ladies should have at it though, I hear she keeps a strap on in her golf bag that shares the same name as her 9-Iron: The "Trap Hammer". Its not easy being a stereotype, but she carries it well.

Recommendation: Pass on guys, but the ladies can find her in the club house drinking beer and watching sports center. Usually monogamous but not for long, if you want it, go hit it.

Info: A member of the Hyrulian royal family. Oddly enough Zelda in one form or another appears (or is at least mentioned) in each of the Zelda games. A damsel at her core, she is the second most rescued character is NES history (behind princess peach). Her turn-ons includes, feminine precognition, and Wicca fallopian sorcery.

Pros: A steady, level headed gal. Enjoys a good rescuin'. Genuine elf hotness defined by her oft impossible curves, and blonde hair/blue eyes despite only being able to speak Japanese but spout English subtitles.

Cons: This isn't necessarily a con, but I'm loath to list it as a pro, as of late her chosen alter ego is a man. Even though she is of high breeding, and very smart in many instances, and her intelligence shows through, she also tends to "blonde out" about personal safety, causing her to get captured a lot. What is pre-cognition and telepathy good for when you sense danger as well as a potted ficus. If you don't fancy spending your time in an alternate dimension fighting dark versions of everyone you know, then this night not be the one. Another possible problem might be link. Zelda seems like a one horse town, so if you're really after Zelda, you need link out of the picture. And there's only one person that is the definitive leader in trying to get rid of link. Hasn't really done it yet, but he's gotten close. If anyone can point you in the right direction its gannon.

Recommendation: Overall a little on the boring side, this is the type of gal you want to settle down with eventually, and whelp a couple half elfs with. Until that time, you might as well settle for a few Caberian laser worms on the junk.