Trains are murderous phallic destroyers, causing the death of literally thousands of damsels in distress yearly. How many psychotic criminal-fetishists have used this antiquated mode of transportation for their dastardly ends? How long will we stand idly by while our most beautiful, chaste women are threatened by the stupid, old wheels of industrial-age oppression? And how much longer can we truly rely on masked superheros to do a job only necessary because of monocle wearing capitalists' need to reach their country estates before afternoon baby-punting??? And who rides trains these days anyway? I'll tell you: booger-chewing retards on day-trips with their high-school drop-out handlers and confused old people who can't count to eleven without a dose of viagra. We cannot allow such corruption of our senile and disabled to continue any longer.

Trains are also the slowest and heaviest mode of transportation. This last quality has the unfortunate side effect of engraving heavy "train-tracks" into America's countryside. Haven't our Native-American communities been put through enough?!?!? Viewing the drunken conductors of these Fat Cars even from the safest distance can still inspire terror into the most innocent of souls. With their corn clogged teeth, their sweaty possum stink, and their Commie overalls, the professional train conductor is truly the lowest on the food chain of the shifty doomtrains. Trust neither their soothing promises to wed nor their crayola marked alimony checks. In summation, trains and the people who ride them have scientifically been proven to be stupid. And if you don't agree you're scientifically stupid, too.