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General Update posted Fri April 27, 2007: 7:01 PM by Kai Betting on Relationship Longevity General Update posted Fri April 20, 2007: 11:28 PM by Kai 7 Things From My Childhood That Are No More General Update posted Thu April 19, 2007: 7:58 AM by Kai Dr. Kai's Conception Calculations
Posted Sun December 04, 2005: 1:11 AMGeneral Update
Welcome to Dr. Kai's office! Today I will explore the science of conception. Through careful experimentation and tests I am able to determine how people were conceived by using only their date of birth. The most rudimentary form of what I call "knockitupology" calculates your birthday and goes (scientifically) backward towards the time you became more than a twinkle in your father's eye. Using this handy chart, and figuring if you were born early or late in the month you can finally found out how it all started. (only applies to the USA, these are 82% accurate) Born in January:
Early Jan -- Misogynists invented "take your daughters to work day" for a number of reasons, but now you see that one of them resulted in your conception. (If you were born in boston and are athletic you were conceived at an after party for the boston marathon)
Late Jan -- Back then you weren't around and little did your parents know, fooling around on mother's day would lead to you, and years of homemade mother's day gifts.
Born in February:
Early Feb -- Memorial day saw one of your progenitors get knocked up at a bbq, which explains your penchant for the military and ribs. The only other explanation is that prom got a little out of hand... and into your mom. (btw if you have a sibling, they were conceived on your birthday which is perilously close to valentines day. ps your parents hate you.)
Late Feb -- Many were excited to see the start of baseball season that year, but not as excited as your mom was to see a salvo of gin & tonic's and the business end of your father.
Born in March:
Early Mar -- Young couples foolishly celebrated father's day the year you were born, and because it was a special occasion the condom did not make an appearance at that evening's poking.
Late Mar -- After an episode of particularly brutal breaks up and reunification's by your parents, a vicious bout of make up sex shattered a bed post, some drywall and an already fragile Inter-uterine device that was already on the verge of collapse.
Born in April:
Early Apr -- The heat of summer makes people do crazy things. I wont go into the protracted and rather sordid catalogue of events surrounding your conception, but I will say that after 18 blood tests the true identity of your father was finally revealed.
Late Apr -- You were conceived accidentally on a ship. And I really mean accidentally, the seas were rough and the captain tripped while your mother was bending down to batton down some hatches. (btw your mom was a pirate)
Born in May:
Early May -- On the beach under the stars your parents vowed to return to Martha's vineyard for many anniversaries to come. They embraced, and their shifting bodies complimented each other beneath the touches of knowing hands and lips. The beach blanket moved as one with them leaving imprints of their love in the tumultuous sand. The warmth of his cheek stayed close and holy, as the rest of them swayed like the surf. Her gentle nibbles of his ear loosened the last walls around his heart, and came falling from his lips like the blessing of cherubs his words, his prayer "I love you".
Late May -- You were the end result of artificial insemination, end of story.
Born in June:
Early June -- Given the OK by Rabbi Hetzel, your parents proceeded responsibly in a brisk go at sex. Things escalated when the manishevitz started flowing, and they started playing hide the "challah". (If not Jewish (and I'm not blaming you nobody's perfect) then you were conceived in an airplane...it wasn't in flight but still that's kinda cool.)
Late June -- Oktoberfest.
Born in July:
Early July -- A man in a chewbacca costume convinced your mother of "just the tip" and paid the price.
Late July -- Congratulations you were conceived at an election party for a city councilman. While Bob Vanderson thanked your parents for their votes, He was later dismayed to find that his election headquarters (his house) was used as the venue for said baby making activities.
Born in August:
Early Aug -- You probably think you were conceived on thanksgiving, and you would be wrong. You were actually conceived in the back of a Chevy Impala using the temperature method. Stupid hippies.
Late Aug -- Its not a secret that company Christmas parties contribute to promiscuity, but what is/was a secret is that your mother's boss is your father. . . No I'm just kidding it was the mailman.
Born in September:
Early Sept -- Your mother would soon find out how narrow a definition "contraception" has, and her fiancee wearing a santa suit doesn't count as contraception.
Late Sept -- The fact that your mother is a black-out drunk didn't directly contribute to your conception, and your dad didn't mean to, but she did fall asleep on his bed, without most of her clothes, and shitting herself. So later her logic was that she felt bad and it was the least she could, so it was written off a a kind gesture and later a reason to build a lasting relationship.
Born in October:
Early Oct -- Techinally the facts would classify your father as a stalker, ie: the watching, the planning, the waiting, changing his major so he could follow her to another continent but he was so good at it she never noticed.
Late Oct -- Valentine's day was pretty special that year, except for your mother who was dumped that night after the dinner, dancing and sex in a public park. She cried for a week, realized she was late, and thusly your father became your father forever after.
Born in November:
Early Nov -- Valentine's day spill-over. And do I ever mean spill over.
Late Nov -- I don't want to sound disparaging but have YOU ever tried to pull out? Its bullshit, so you go, pretend you didn't, then pull out.Wash rinse repeat.
Born in December:
Early Dec -- The fertility doctor had suggested a pletora of ways to increase your parents chances, cold packs, special shorts, fertility pills, and finally after months of trying and a timed ovulation cycle the fertility doctor came through by throwing away your father's sperm sample and getting the job done himself with your dad in the waiting room.
Late Dec -- Daylight saving's time messes up a lot of things that humans control, but this time it struck the at the usage of the birth control pills.
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