After eating lunch at one of 7hm's new favorite burrito joints, El Matate, I heard this from our honorary sevenhill uncle, Elmer (here in my artistically rendered portrait), practicing the speech his latest quick rich scheme. Based off many unsuccessful embraces of potential significant others, his newest hustling contraption focused on the hug itself, involved through years of research, near face slaps, and the anatomy of the arm wraparound. This was the gist of it on our way back to the 7hm headquarters.

"Men, let me teach you the System, a simple way to interpret your relationships with women. this program has been developed by licensed doctors, psychologists, scientists, garbage men and the 16th and Capp resident bum. Yes, now you can find out the true science of figuring out women. Now witness the power of the Hug and Touch system by Tonka, yes they were the only ones to sponsor us. (Fuck you Sharper Image)

"Now a proper hug, like a proper handshake, is when a woman bends forward a little bit just to physically show there is some development to be done in the relationship before she wants to get in bed. If there is no space between you and her chest, then, go hit that shit! Oh excuse me.

"Anyways, the farthest angle a woman's back should bend is 45 degrees. Well if she bends farther from that, well buddy, she's bendin' over for somebody else. Face it. You're ugly.

"Going on, a good angle to have on your first hug is anything under 45 degrees. the closer, the better. Smile. you deserve it. You have another prospect of draftees to put in your landing pad. But if she bends farther than 45 and she doesn't have all her teeth and her facial hair resembles crazy Jack from the corner, give her a swift knee to the jaw. Do the world a favor.

"Now that's just observing the torso. you also have to pay attention to her arms and what part of the arm touches you. Now if you get all arm. You get all ass." (smiling)

"A chest to chest smash means nothing if she only taps your back with her fingertips. you're not a fucking elevator. Tell her to press. Give and receive. Hug the shit out of her. Hug her so hard your fake gold chain makes an imprint in your chest. Make her feel your wheezing. Put those ropes of lard you call arms around her tender back only to have her do the same, yet when she does it her finger gets caught in one of your rolls of back fat. But nevertheless your in the middle of a hug. So it's ok.

"Want to learn more? Buy my tape."