Why, ain't we supposed to have floatin' cars by now?

I remember seein' 'Back to the Future 2' back in '87 and thinking to myself, "Why WOOP-EE, Haas! Pretty soon you'll be riding 'round in one of them fancy air-mobiles." Well shucks, folks. It's already the year 2005 and we ain't no closer to a flying Chevy than we was 20 years ago. I won't lie; I'm a-startin' to git antsy.

I ain't sayin' I'm not happy with the new gizmos we got nowadays. The internet makes it easier than ever to lecture foreigners about America. And modern hunting gear has almost tamed the ferocious doe. Even cars have made some progress. For instance, I got no fewer than three Skynyrd albums in my Pontiac's stereo, ready to rock at the drop of a hat.

But this ain't what we was promised. In 'Back to the Future 2', our government vowed to give the American people floatin' cars and, by-god, it's their Constitutional duty to deliver.

What's really shakes me up is the flexible deadline the government gives itself to make these cars. A few years after I saw 'Back to the Future,' I seen 'The Fifth Element'. A' first I was happy as a mule chawin' snuff. The previews had floatin' cars in 'em! "Good," I said. "The government finally gonna start sellin' Hover-Fords." Then I watched the movie and what did I see? Sure, there was floatin' cars, enough of 'em to stuff a Yankee's big, black, empty heart, in fact. But the government had conveniently left the movie undated. Bull-sis.

A few years later another movie with floatin' cars came 'round: the Phanton Menace. Agin' my hopes were brought up, agin' they were let down. This movie had even more floatin' cars than 'Fifth Element', but it wasn't even set in this galaxy. It was set in a galaxy "far, far somewhere else". What's that supposed to mean? Are we as Americans, citizens of the greatest planet in the world, admitting defeat? Way to dodge the issue, Congress.

Since these two movies came out when that pot smokin' hippie Clinton was in office, I figured the government's failure might be on account of some Democrat meddlin. Then a miracle happened : George W. Bush done took the 2000 election! My hopes soared at first. Here was a man who looked like he had the right set of priorities. But W. had alotta work cut out fer him; 'Back to the Future 2' ensured floatin' cars by 2013. The clock was tickin'. Could W. do it?

Catastrophe struck: 'Minority Report,' a movie takin' place more than 50 years in the future, had nary a floatin' car in it! It didn't even have cars that could jump. Bush had let me down. I tell you what: that 2000 election is the last time ol' Haas is gonna pretend he voted.

I asked myself, "If that baby-eater Kennedy could put men on the moon before a decade was out, why's can't four presidents and 25 years put a car no more than 500 feet off the ground?" The answer came to me later that night in a fit of cryin': It was all a matter of the government spreadin' itself too thin.

Now, I want you to think about it. Back in '61, when that commie Kennedy claimed he'd put a man on the moon, America's movies didn't promise half as much as they do now. The wildest thing you'd see was a spaceship or two. No big whoop. And so the government could deliver. But nowadays they got yer light sabers, yer matrixes, and yer hobbits all developing at the same time. And to the best of my knowledge, the government ain't made a bit o' progress with those either. I say it's right time we step back, slow down, and focus on creating the floatin' cars we've all been dreamin' about ever since Marty McFly first flied that silver, floaty promise into our hearts. Cause if the government don't stop foolin' around and start producin', people might stop watchin' movies altogether.

I figure another reason for the hold-up might be them damn Chinee. I don't know how exactly they'd block floatin' cars, but I been watchin' the news and I ain't got no doubt that them damn Chinee could do it. Little productive bastards.

Whatever the government does, whether they gotta dig up Kennedy's corpse and have him lead the project, or bombin' them damn Chinee terrorists back into Feudalism, they had better do it quick. Cause only one thing is for certain in this whole mess: everyday I cry a little when I look out my window, cause the Pontiac sittin' in my driveway ain't gettin' any floatier.